Is Bedtime a Badtime?

Bedtime seems to go in cycles around here. Just when we get in a comfortable phase of putting them in bed, all bathed and happy, kissing them goodnight and tiptoeing away to the melodious sound of synchronized snores, things change.

The change seems to happen the night after (or the minute after) one of us remarks to the other parent "Wow, they sure are good at going to bed these days." Then bedtime reverts to the all out war that it seems to be about two weeks out of the month.

I have a theory that it's not because we've done anything wrong that this change happens. I don't generally credit it to a change in diet, or a change in routine, or a change in the stars. It just seems like consistency isn't what they're looking for a bedtime--at least not long term. They want the routine changed every so often and by the time they tell you they want the change, it's too late.

We cycle through different pre-bedtime rituals to try and make the night go down more smoothly. From this following list, we mix and match until we have a mixed grill of a nighttime schedule that works for the next few weeks.

Reading at Bedtime: This is a classic for obvious reasons. It gives us some time to wind-down, talk calmly, and read something that is comforting (even though I like them best when they get just a little bit scary in there). My favorite bedtime stories are from Maurice Sendak, but don't stop with Where the Wild Things Are; also try Outside over There and The Night Kitchen.

Singing: I happen to enjoy singing lullabies. I don't think that it's a good idea to introduce this ritual if you don't enjoy it. It has staying power and you will have requests over and over again. I usually take this one out of the routine when I notice that my girls are staying awake just to make me sing more. My favorites to sing are "Feed the Birds," "Sweet Baby James," and "Pooh Corner." But they often make me sing a drawn-out version of The Decemberists "The Crane Wife" oddly enough.

Bedtime Music: We have a small CD player that we play lullabies on. This works sometimes as a substitute to singing and sometimes in addition to. We have a few different CDs and mixes to change things up. But, like all these others, their tastes sometime drift away from this ritual.

Story of the Day: This is especially good if we've had long, active days or had visitors. We sit and talk about all the things we did today, each taking turns coming up with details to fill it out. Then, we end by planning out our next day. This works really well for making our expectations if we have big plans for tomorrow.

Holding Hands: Sometimes I have to sit there and hold hands until my older daughter goes to sleep. This only works when she's really tired and had some kind of a scare. She is usually asleep pretty fast, or I just can't stay there all night and she moves into our bed. Holding hands is a last resort before:

Pulling my own hair out and screaming until I die: Sometimes nothing works. We have the girls shack up with us in our bed like we used to and hope to move them sometime in the night so that we can get some rest, too. The main thing is to realize that no matter how prepared you are, you're not always going to come out successfully. I don't actually recommend pulling out hair or screaming or dying, but it sure sounds like it would be helpful.

I always tell my daughters when they play keep-away with our German Shepard, "Don't play to win, just play." That's how I feel about bedtime. Don't play to win. In the end, they can always outlast your patients if you make it a power struggle. Just talk things out, give in if you must, but set expectations that this night is different from tomorrow night.

Five Quotes to Live By

Getting caught up in the day to day experiences of life can blind one to the things they truly care about. It doesn't do a lot of good to lose focus and lose balance. But these following quotes--chosen because they a) are great and b) aren't cliche--are short meditations on what it is to embrace one's priorities. Read through and maybe you'll find one that speaks to you today:

1. Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise: seek what they sought. ~Basho

In my writing classes, I try and stress the ideas of respect and acceptance of our fellow classmates. This is sometimes harder to achieve than you might think. In my classes students are encouraged to write about their own experiences and what has brought them to their beliefs. This causes a lot of trouble between different ideologies the students might hold. But this quote really puts into focus what I try and stress to the class. "Whatever you've been through, whatever you've done, it's brought you here," I tell the class. "We have at least something in common, some part of the goals we reach involve this place and this time. Don't knock what has brought the person next to you. You didn't need to go through that to get here; he or she did."

Basho is one of the great masters of the haiku, so it is perhaps without surprise that he is so quotable (if you haven't read any of his poems, you need to). It always reminds me that my life doesn't to be like that of the people or religious leaders whom I admire. There may be a lot of things to learn from their lives, but my lessons will be different.

2. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

Twain in perhaps my favorite author. To me, he really shows his stuff in the second part of this quote. While he, being somewhat of a sailor, may have meant it more literally than I take it, it really speaks to the adventurous nature of this quote. Many of us, I'm sure, have read and understand that first sentence in some form or another, it's the second part that really brings it to life, that lets you feel what he means. Taking this pulnge to follow your dreams has never sounded more exciting and appealing than he makes it sound. This quote often inspires me to drop my petty concerns about a project, a trip, an expenditure, or a big decision.

3. Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness. ~Chuang-tzu

How Taoist is this quote? Just decide to be happy and you are. How can it be that easy? Well, if we apply this notion to the ways in which we are always striving to get more, more, more, then it comes to light. This can be seen as a tremendous argument for simplicity. Decide, for yourself, how much is going to be enough. How big of a house, how much stuff, how much money, how much time shopping, how much vacation time, and hit that mark. If you don't have any idea of what kind of ceiling there is, you'll keep wanting more. And if you want more, then by definition, you will always feel unsatisfied with what you have. So stop trying. Look around you, look at what you have, decide that that is enough.

4. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. ~Carlos Castaneda

I know people who spend all their time being miserable. They complain about their days, they whine about service at a restaurant, they loath their coworkers, the weather has ruined their day, etc. They are the type of people who put a negative spin on everything. And I catch myself doing this at times. It's not appealing. Look around and decide that you're going to be happy. Decide that no matter how bad this day gets, it can be turned around. The kids can have a terrible morning, whining and crying, and I can have a terrible day at work. But, in the moment it takes to complain about something, we can change our days and our focus. We can make ourselves and our families happy and remind them that the day is never lost.

5. The mind is its own place, and of itself Can make a hell of heaven, a heaven of hell. ~Satan from Milton's Paradise Lost

There's nothing like using a quote from Satan to put a positive spin on your day. But this quote is very related to the last two. It is our frames of mind that make us happy, that make us miserable, that make us satisfied or unsatisfied. And I imagine that Satan, with his experiences in Heaven and Hell would be as much an authority of their properties as anyone. So let's trust the guy. This quote is a tremendous argument to rid yourself of anxiety and pressures, of assessing your situation and being content with it, of making the most of things. If things don't turn out like you planned, adjust to the new plan.

I write these quotes down today as an affirmation. I want today to be good. I'm stressed, I'm behind in my grading, I have one more week left of my statistics class. But there are reminders everywhere of the power of our own determination to take control of our days. To make the most of things and set a good example for ourselves and for our kids.

Deep breath.

Let's go.

Five Keys to Mindful Behavior (and not losing your temper)

We don't exist in a vacuum. If we did, it would be easy to be the person we want to be. It'd be easy to manage time, set goals, reach out, and expand ourselves. Being more would be accomplishable in the next five minutes. But our time and energy is constantly hijacked, borrowed, robbed, or given away. Not always for the worse, true, but these things add up. Eventually the pressure is a bit much and we lose sight of how we want to see ourselves.

What I'm talking about is patience, I suppose, and temper. It's too often that I find myself frustrated and angry at my circumstances. I want to get X done, but Y,Z, and A are still sitting in the back of my mind, demanding attention. And I have an important meeting and there's homework due and I haven't cleaned the kitchen in weeks. The frustration of all these little factors can tie itself up in knots in my mind. And the pressure builds. And I finally snap at my wife, chastise my kid, or yell at the puppy. And the picture that I've painted of myself at that moment, that ugly representation of all the space being rented in my mind, is forever burned into my children. It momentarily tarnishes who I am to my wife, and if it's not cleaned off, it can rust.

Sure, conflict can be healthy. I don't think it's a good idea to avoid talking about issues of contention. Things need to be aired out between you and your partner, if you expect this partnership to work at all. And yes, you need to raise your voice once in a while when dealing with your kids, be stern, set your foot down. But these things should be done with intention. There is a world of difference between a calculated move, a planned intonation, and a knee-jerk reaction.

Knee-jerk reactions set you off balance. They disturb harmony. They loosen ties.

We can't be perfect all the time. But if we can maintain control of ourselves, we stand a much better chance of setting the example we hope to set for our families. Everything we do is a reflection of who we are. Losing your temper, getting angry, and being petty can really distort that image.

Kids are like sponges, if you haven't noticed. They soak everything up. The other day, my three year-old broke a crayon at a restaurant. With perfect and cold pronunciation, she said, "God damn it," and went about coloring with half of the blue crayon. My wife and I looked at each other. She didn't get it from TV. We got rid of that thing. She got it from us. And of course we couldn't be mad, but we did explain that it wasn't the polite thing to say, that we were sorry we gave her use of those words.

Sometimes our kids can be our compasses for how we act. If we want our kids to exhibit proper behavior, we have to model it. When there is a lot of traffic, I can hear her strapped into the seat behind me say, as if to herself, "C'mon, dude. Move it." I didn't realize that I said that to stopped cars until she pointed it out. If I were apt to lose my temper in the car rather than get annoyed, she would show me what I look like with road rage.

I don't mean to say that we should edit ourselves or hide who we are from our kids. Instead, I think we should mindfully express who we are based on our lofty self-conceptions. A lot of times, those self-conceptions are hard to live up to. For example, I know enough about healthy eating and exercise to be in any shape that I want to be. But through a perverse loss of control related to emotional and financial stress, I don't show this knowledge. Instead, I keep on compounding these stresses with irresponsible behaviors related to eating and spending.

Our temper acts the same way. Too often we become absorbed in ourselves and we lose sight of our goals. When we lose sight of our goals, we lose sight of ourselves. And that creates a vision of us that everyone around us sees.

How many times have you caught yourself losing your temper, getting into arguments, snapping at your family, all because you are overwhelmed? How can you fight this?

1. Make decisions based on the example you want to set
This is easier said than done. But this goes along with the idea of putting your family first. Don't reach for gratification, but instead see the decisions that you make in light of the long-term ramifications and patterns that your children will notice. Whenever possible, step away from negative patterns, especially when it comes to health, consumerism, and habits.

2. Empathize
When your kids are nagging you, before you get frustrated with them and blow your top, you really have to step back and ask yourself a few questions. What is it that they want? Why? Do you remember a time when you nagged your parents for something like that? What would have made you understand why the answer is "no?" This goes for kids being scared of the dark, not wanting to go to sleep, etc.

3. Don't presume the worst
It's easy for arguments between you and your spouse to get started through communication problems. If you feel like you've been insulted, made fun of, or otherwise criticized, don't snap back. Instead, take a step back and try and find out why this was said or if you may have even taken the comment the wrong way. Many, many problems can be avoided by taking the proper time before offering a retort.

4. Remember the importance of fun
Many times when my kids are being too loud, yelling in the house, making repeditive and disrupting noises, or otherwise polluting the air with their unlimited volume, I have the urge to yell. It's a natural response, right? But you have to take heart of the times when your kids are having fun. If it's not an appropriate fun to have in the house, by all means, change things around. But don't be the ogre that stops all the fun with a bad temper and ruins a perfectly good day. Remember what it was like when you were a kid and try and calm the tempest with understanding.

5. Change your mind
If you've had a bad day, or are too stressed or tired to respond rationally to family pressures, talk this out. Explain where you're coming from, why you have a bad headache, why you need a moment to yourself. Take that moment and earnestly try to console yourself. Earnestly try and change your mind about how your day is going to be. If you decide that you can turn things around and have a good day, you can. If you decide that you can't, then you can't. It's a simple as that. Sit there for as long as it takes to decide that you can.

Resist the knee-jerk reaction. Orchestrate your day without the use of hostility. Remember to show your kids who you want to be, and it will be much easier to become that person.

Articles by Subject

Fathering
On Being a New Dad
The Breastfeeding Father
In Defense of Fatherhood
Putting Family First
10 Rules for being a role Model
Communicating with your Spouse
Education vs. Schooling (On Steve-Olson.com)
Baby Wearing
The Power of Language in Childhood
The Sex Talk
Potty Training
Activities for a Rainy Day
Changes
Imagination and Curiosity
Should Bookstores be Socially Responsible?
Is Bedtime Badtime?
Camping with Children
Father's Day
Traveling with Kids

Consumerism
Giving Up TV
10 Altertatives to Conventional TV
20 Great Books to get you Reading
Not Willing to Give Up TV? Tame it
9 Ways to be more Productive
Marketing TV to Children
Should Bookstores be Socially Responsible?
One Year without TV
Why I hate Hannah Montana

Communicating with Family
Putting Family First
5 Reasons to Simplify your Life
Valentines Day
Communicating with your Spouse
The Power of Language in Childhood
The Sex Talk
Potty Training
Activities for a Rainy Day
Changes
Imagination and Curiosity
Is Bedtime Badtime?
Camping with Children
Traveling with Kids

Education
Hostile Educational Climate of Testing
Education vs. Schooling (On Steve-Olson.com)

Simplifying
5 Reasons to Simplify your Life
10 Rules for being a role Model
5 Quotes to Live By
9 Ways to be more Productive
Activities for a Rainy Day

Living Mindfully
Communicating with your Spouse
Education vs. Schooling (On Steve-Olson.com)
10 Ways to Claim Your Day
20 Great Books to get you Reading
5 Keys to Mindful Behavior
5 Quotes to Live By
The Power of Language in Childhood
9 Ways to be more Productive
Activities for a Rainy Day
Changes
Should Bookstores be Socially Responsible?
Why I hate Hannah Montana