On Being a New Dad

While my wife is pregnant with our third kid, I want to document the various stages of the pregnancy as it unfolds on this blog; how the pregnancy can effect dad and how dad can be constructive, helpful, and sensitive throughout.

But first I think it prudent to cover the most monumental change in my life so far and is sure to be until that big change at the end of my life: when my first child was born.

I liked to think that I was the kind of person who was prepared for this occasion; I was from a big family and had two younger sisters, my mom was a childbirth teacher, and I've always known that I wanted to have children. Nevertheless, when my first daughter was born I may as well have been struck by lightening while being eaten by a whale.

The Pregnancy

My wife didn't have a lot of sickness. I know that's easy for me to say. But she did have a downright magical aversion to chicken. She couldn't even see the word written without gagging. Besides this, I don't recall a lot of really tangible evidence that she was pregnant--excepting of course the gigantic test of abdominal elasticity.

When the nesting started, I was, to be perfectly honest, a little annoyed. We had to paint a bedroom and set up furniture for the baby that we weren't even planning on using since we were going to co-sleep. That said, she had a perfect vision for how the room should be (which I also found very perplexing) and all I had to do was go through the motions. The room was set up well before the baby arrived and for as long as we lived in that house, she never slept in that room.

I realize now that it wasn't unnecessary that we set up that room, though. I know now that it was something that she had to do--she felt baby inside her and she had to physically manifest a readiness for the arrival. On the other hand, despite my intellectual understanding of the situation, I had no idea what was going to happen. I had no idea we were really going to have a baby.

The Birth

I don't pay for enough bandwidth to talk fully about the birth. I could write for a month and not be half way through the experience. It was at once the most memorable day of my life and the most surreal. One memory that sticks out at me was walking down the halls at the hospital and hearing a baby cry from the room next to ours. I thought it was the most amazing thing I had ever heard--for the first time it occurred to me that we would be hearing a baby cry from our room. And still nothing was real to me. Still I had no idea.

We lost the battle of our birth from the beginning. My daughter was born in the same backwards hospital where I was born. We thought ourselves a well-prepared couple, but the hospital was infamous for it's greater than 60% cesarean rate which was symbolic of their love of medical intervention. Our birth was as natural as we could have hoped for with the nurses and doctor begging us to just get the epidural already.

When my wife actually pushed the baby out, a change washed over me instantly. It was like the floor fell out from under me but I was still standing. It was like I shed my skin and was a completely new creature underneath. It was like died and was reborn. I can talk in metaphors about it all day, but the simple truth of the matter is that no analogy could possibly capture the change that happened in me. I will never be the same person that I was the instant before the baby was born.

That night, in the hospital, my wife cried like I had never seen her cry before while looking at our daughter. She didn't feel deserving of having such a perfect child. I felt the same way and the three of us--our new family--cuddled up on the narrow hospital bed together and looked at each other, trying in some way to achieve an understanding.

The New Constant

I knew, intellectually, what my parents and all those silly sex-ed classes told me a million times, that having a baby was a 24-hour commitment. But those words were shadows on the wall, mere black and white two-dimensional representations of the full color, 3-D reality of what that means.

For the first week or so, we were both walking zombies. We oscillated between giddy and thrilled and tired and overwhelmed. I had the potential to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation while sitting upright in the middle of the day. Nursing was a huge challenge, one that I have documented to some extent here, and was the central focus of my life.

No one told me that babies don't really know how to breathe steadily right away. We spent hours discussing the varied length between breaths that our daughter would take. We worried almost as much as we marveled at the little thing.

Baby Blues

My wife had a terrible bought of postpartum depression. Really, it's still with us in many ways. there's enough material in our struggle for several entries and I'm sure they will come when I feel like I could get at the heart of things.

The New Dad

I don't complain when I say that I have never been put "first" in our family since then. Every decision, from my job to my free time to what I eat has something to do with my role as father. Every fiber of my being is wrapped up in that role. I don't really know how else to do it. As I have said before, I feel lucky that I had an involved father so I know half of what I should do.

As we approach our third birth, we want to really have the birthing experience we've always wanted. This means trying to find the money for a birthing center or home birth, being better prepared with exercises and techniques, and reading books upon books to focus our wills. Throughout the experience, I hope to document what it is like being a human who will soon have made another one.

Traveling with Kids

We just got back from the longest vacation that I have ever taken. Everywhere we went, be it camping on the beach, crashing in a hostel, or checking out various roadside attractions, people around us seemed to be united in one common diagnosis: we were brave to do whatever it was we were doing with a 2 and 3 year old.

Brave? Really? I thought it was fun to do these things with our kids. Even though they're very young, I think that what we were doing was enriching to them, for whatever that was worth.

Bringing Toys

When we went on our first big road trip with our girls at about this age, it was six months ago. It was a shorter trip and I think that we over prepared. We packed little backpacks for both of them filled with little toys, drawing boards, coloring books, stuffed animals, etc. Our idea was that by going through all of these things neatly packed into the bag as theirs, they would busy themselves and the time in the car would pass easily for them. Instead, it was a constant game of dropping and fetching that drove my wife crazy. There was a lot of discontent and crying when a favorite knick-knack would be lost in the bowels of the backpack.

This time, we cut toys down to a minimum. We bought generic travel magnadoodle things for each girl and invited them to bring along one favorite stuffed animal. There were also about half a dozen children's books. This time around things were easier to keep track of and the drawings got more and more creative as the magnadoodle things ended up being the best toy we could have thought of.

Special Gear

Since we were doing a lot of camping, we packed them each a small flashlight. This not only helped with the potential fear involved in camping, but it also made them feel that they held an important and self-directed role around the campground.

We packed two big sleeping bags for the girls and two small ones. We ended up camping in some remote and cold places and having them zipped in a small bag and snuggled into a larger bag with their sister was very helpful. They also enjoyed that we bought a rechargeable lantern with a little night light.

Little Responsibilities

Our kids like to feel like they're helping. We learned early on that it was best to buy two small or medium sized road atlases that they could each hold. We pointed out the grand view of our route and they liked to pretend to show each other exactly where we were, where different friends of their were, and where their aunts, uncles, and grandparents live. Using a pen, they drew all over the maps to show us where to go.

There were also lots of times that we let them decide what we were going to do: go for a hike, play with a ball, go for a drive, a swim, whatever.

Proper Expectations

Early on, we thought surprises would be the way to go. For example, on a day when we were going to go to the beach, we didn't tell them before hand. We dressed them in their swimming suits and told them that we were going to go for a swim. When we ended up at the beach, they were very disappointed that we weren't at the community pool back home. It took a good while before we could properly pump them up about the beach--usually one of their favorite things. With that in mind, we were sure to tell them the day before we went to Disneyland and talk about all the things we could do there. Kids seem to frame their world in their expectations and anticipation is half the fun--at least.

Imagination

As we prepared for our trip, everyone and their dog had one suggestion. It can be summed up by what a coworker said to me: "You've got to get a DVD player for your car, if you don't have one." I just don't know why I would take my kids on a 6,000 mile road trip if I just wanted to plop them down in front of a TV. I would do that at home and buy a more convincing TV with all the money we would have saved by not driving around the country. I wanted them to experience things. I wanted them to see the world around us: the redwoods in California, the arches in Utah, the desert in New Mexico, the Rockies in Colorado, etc. I even wanted them to experience how boring it can be for miles and miles while we try and make it to our next stop before sundown.

There's something that I think a lot of people forget: the gift of being bored. Boredom is something that is almost alien to me since having kids as every moment can potentially be filled with work, study, or dealing with the kids simultaneously. But boredom is the mother of invention. When they got bored, they started looking around more, drawing more, asking about letters and numbers more often and little stops at curio shops end up being big fun.

Our Mantra

It's about being a family together. Being in the car, in a remote campground, or at a busy theme park with your family is what the trip is all about. The night before we left, we had a tiny family conference where we said that we were going to have a "good trip." Our oldest daughter held her hand up in sort of the sign-language sign for "I Love You," (which seemed to pick up from "Yellow Submarine" or something) and said "Good Trip!" This became our mantra for the trip.

We agreed that if someone was grumpy, upset, angry, or dissatisfied in any way, you only had to lift your hand in the special sign and say "Good Trip!" and things got to start over free of penalty. You didn't need to warm up, you didn't need to hold a grudge, you didn't need to swallow your pride, it was just "Good Trip" and you're better.

This worked well for parents as well as kids. When I was upset and disappointed about something, my wife would remind me with a "Good Trip" and I was able to shift my frame of reference. And when we were having fun, one of the kids might just up and say it to remind us of what a special moment we were in.

***

Traveling with kids is fun. It's good for them, you, and it's good for your collective identity as family. There are going to be some fits and some problems and it's always more expensive than you think it will be, but it's worth it. It's one of those things that's not about time or money but transcends those things to become so much more than what you've spent on it.

Father's Day

About a week or so ago, my wife and I found out we are pregnant with our third kid. Wow. We're excited and I think it hasn't even really hit us yet. It is through the lens of becoming a father for the third time that I have started examining Father's Day.

This Father's Day is the 100th such day in this country. Father's Day was first introduced as an afterthought to Mother's Day. The celebration of the man's role in parenting wasn't as natural a fit to a psuedo-holiday as to express appreciation for Mothers. Even now it seems like there is general disagreement as to how to celebrate dads--or if they should, indeed, be celebrated.

There is something very natural to Mother's Day that the Dad's day just seems to be lacking. Something I can't stand is the cliche Father's Day gifts: neck ties, golf clubs, business socks. To me, such gifts reinforce the dad's role as breadwinner and discount the idea of a dad as an engaged parent. They show that a dad's most important role is his job and his independent pastimes are his most enjoyable times--a celebration of apartness. I was at a steakhouse the other day that had a big sign saying "Open at 10:00am on Father's Day!" Yes, because my dad wants a steak for breakfast. In contrast, the cliche gifts of Mother's Day--flowers, spa treatments, etc--at least express a sensitivity to the delicate role of Mother and an invitation to put herself first for once.

The fact that there are these standby notions of Father's Day gifts (mostly given to us by the media in the first place) shows a schizophrenic attitude towards fathers in our culture; it's best embodied by the question: "What the hell is a Father supposed to be, anyway?"

I've made the argument previously that the most important role a father plays is not as breadwinner or provider, but as role model. For me, it's always been easy to appreciate my dad, but it's even more so now that I have kids. I don't know what kind of dad I would be if I hadn't seen it done right in the first place.

But how the hell do I show thanks? Do I buy a card that someone else wrote? Do I get him something for his office or his BBQ? Do I take him out to dinner? And how will my kids try and show it when they're older? It seems to me like Father's Day is a natural time to try and weave in some family activities of some kind; a trip, a visit, a picnic. A CD is as close as I can come to thinking of a gift that doesn't break the bank and can still be personal.

Father's Day will always be second fiddle when it comes to the Hallmark Holidays. But it's not because fathers are any less important than mothers. Just as the role of a caring dad often has to be invented by the one living it, so does the way to celebrate and express appreciation for a job well done have to be improvised.

I don't think that my dad will care that we don't make a big deal about Father's Day. I know that I don't care if I get a card or hug or whatever on that one day. The best way that I can think of to celebrate fatherhood is to practice it with care and understanding--to embody everything that I saw my dad do right as best as I can. That's something that just can't be expressed by breakfast steaks and neck ties.

Related Articles:
In Defense of Fatherhood
10 Rules for being a role Model
Putting Family First

Why I hate Hannah Montana

Why do I hate Hanna Montana? It has nothing to do with the semi-nude pictures of her, trashy as they were.

The other day, I was in the store looking for a night light. My eldest daughter has an intense fear of the dark and what I really wanted was a regular off-white night light that has an on/off switch; not one of those flicker-in-the-near-darkness jobs. Naturally, the kind I wanted was sold out however long ago and no one knew when a new order for them would go in. But they did have the Hannah Montana night light.

They also had the Hannah Montana flashlight. And stool. And three different beach towels. And MP3 player. The Hannah Montana pajamas. The tote bag with accessories and blond wig. The charm bracelet. A Hannah Montana leather watch (in pink, purple, and black). The beauty set. Guitar. Cell phone case. Anti-static pink hairbrush. The sheet set. Umbrella. The Hannah Montana birthday cake edible image. Tatoos. Wii and DS games. Thank you notes. Drapes. Tooth-tunes (those tooth brushes that let you hear music through your teeth while brushing). 166 different books (no lie). Pencils, car decals, purses, nightgowns, panties.

All of them with the girl's face on them.

Strike that. She's not a girl; she's a product. She's Barbie. She's Pepsi. She's Coke. She's a living nightmare.

Who wants their face on a stool? Who wants a stool with someone's face on it? Why do all these products claim to have anything to do with "girl power" when all they are doing is packaging what it is to be a girl and selling the image, thus stereotyping and perpetuating what marketers feel it should be like to be a girl?

The show is about how great it is to be a "regular girl" and a "star." Yet all it does is reinforce the privilege and wonderment of what it is to be rich and famous. Hanna has a desirable life not because she is a regular girl, but because she can choose to be a regular girl or a superstar. Yet the reality is that she and her parents have let her become such an over-exposed product that there is nothing left about her that is human. She is an icon of an image and she is what every girl wants to be.

I think there's a problem when we all start dreaming the same dream. Especially when that dream is unchecked by any sort of ethics or limitations. Hannah shows children that selling out is awesome, that having your face on a bar of soap is cool, that you should put your image on every available product, that shopping provides meaning to your life. Is this what we want our daughters to grow up thinking?

Do we want our daughters to see us all clamoring for $100+ tickets to see a fifteen year old lip sync?

I'm glad that I don't have TV. I can't imagine going to WalMart or Target and having my kids beg for the bananas with her face on the sticker or the phone with her face on it, ad infinitum. We live in a world where ads and product licensing has gone insane.

The Buddha said that life is suffering and that it is such because of misplaced desires. Hannah Montana gives our daughters a lot of misplaced desires--not just toys in her image, but every imaginable product--and this trains them to be forever in the indentured servitude of the corporate machine.

Call me alarmist. But I'm sick of it.

Camping with Children

In two weeks, my family is going to go off on a brave adventure: camping across the western US. This year marks the fifth year of our marriage. On our honeymoon, we camped across the entire country, from California to Vermont and back. Granted, we caved and stayed in the odd motel or so and surfed on friends' couches here and there, but a good deal of it was spent camping.

But things are different five years later. We have two kids and two dogs to take along with us. There's complications with eating, excessive "dark," using the potty, and a general resistance to flexibility to deal with. But saving $90 a night will help to offset the price of gas and cooking our own food will be cheaper than roadside fair as well (that's right--we really want to stretch that stimulus check we'll be getting shortly).

To explore the intricacies of camping with children--which we hadn't done for a year--we went on a short over-night camping trip to a nearby national forest a week ago. Here are some things we've encountered:

Being Outside: The kids love and treasure outside-time. We know this from playing outside and cooking outside, but it is especially evident while camping. When else do you get to spend hour upon hour solidly outside? It just doesn't happen much where we live or at least how we live. But the outside world is endlessly interesting and enriching offering us plenty of activities that don't involve much organization if any.

The benefits of being dirty: It's nice to be able to tell the kids to go ahead and be as dirty as they need to be. Especially in our 3 year old, there seems to be a resistance to--not getting dirty--but staying dirty. While camping, it's unavoidable that you will be dirty, so telling them so is somewhat of a liberation. Our eldest kept reminding us throughout the two days, "Look, I'm dirty, but it's okay." It never before has crossed my mind how much we must subtle encourage cleanliness in our day-to-day.

Hidden Dangers: Where we live, in southeastern Texas, there is a lot to be wary of. Poison ivy and oak are all around, as well as roughly 65 billion types of poisonous snake. There are insects like asps and scorpions that are better left alone. The lakes in the area house plenty of gators that would find our 2 year old a delightful snack. So there does end up being a bit much of the "stay close" and "get out of the bushes" from time to time. It didn't seem to bother them much.

Sleeping in a tent: This is fun for the kids, though a bit scary, too. We had the idea that they would sleep on one side and the parents could cuddle up in a separate area. No chance. We were a woven tapestry of humanity the night long. This is fine once expectations are abandoned. There is also plenty of need to reassure kids during sounds outside. Once in a while, I also need reassurance.

Play equipment: You don't need a lot of equipment for kids to play with. Lots of camping rituals provide structured fun; roasting marshmallows seems to be much more fun than eating them. we did bring sand pales and shovels and they chose to do a lot of digging. But exploration of leaves, bugs, and toads was more than enough for them most of the time.

Be prepared: This story is really told best by my wife. Okay, I'm the dumb one here. In the year we've had our trusty mini-van, I've never had to change its tire. Sure enough, waking up to a brisk morning, I saw that we had a flat over night. Getting that spare tire out from under was impossible--until I found out the right way to do it two hours later. There was no cell phone reception and no Google to help me out of the situation. Then, once that problem was solved, we discovered that a late-night diaper change led to a light being left on and eventually to a dead battery. When we finally tracked someone down to give us a jump (and we forgot our own cables), our German Shepard, Blitzen, threatened by the man's proximity to our daughter, decided to pounce the guy. Yeah, it was a great morning.

It's not like grown-up camping. The night doesn't get late enough before it's bed time, the little legs can limit long hikes, and you never have to remind your wife to move away from the fire nearly as much as you do your toddlers. But camping with kids can be fun and enriching. There is no limit to the opportunities for curious kids. They can't wait to go on our adventure, and neither can we. I'll be honest and update if we end up in a Super 8 due to rain or cold, but we're going to try and go all the way.

Is Bedtime a Badtime?

Bedtime seems to go in cycles around here. Just when we get in a comfortable phase of putting them in bed, all bathed and happy, kissing them goodnight and tiptoeing away to the melodious sound of synchronized snores, things change.

The change seems to happen the night after (or the minute after) one of us remarks to the other parent "Wow, they sure are good at going to bed these days." Then bedtime reverts to the all out war that it seems to be about two weeks out of the month.

I have a theory that it's not because we've done anything wrong that this change happens. I don't generally credit it to a change in diet, or a change in routine, or a change in the stars. It just seems like consistency isn't what they're looking for a bedtime--at least not long term. They want the routine changed every so often and by the time they tell you they want the change, it's too late.

We cycle through different pre-bedtime rituals to try and make the night go down more smoothly. From this following list, we mix and match until we have a mixed grill of a nighttime schedule that works for the next few weeks.

Reading at Bedtime: This is a classic for obvious reasons. It gives us some time to wind-down, talk calmly, and read something that is comforting (even though I like them best when they get just a little bit scary in there). My favorite bedtime stories are from Maurice Sendak, but don't stop with Where the Wild Things Are; also try Outside over There and The Night Kitchen.

Singing: I happen to enjoy singing lullabies. I don't think that it's a good idea to introduce this ritual if you don't enjoy it. It has staying power and you will have requests over and over again. I usually take this one out of the routine when I notice that my girls are staying awake just to make me sing more. My favorites to sing are "Feed the Birds," "Sweet Baby James," and "Pooh Corner." But they often make me sing a drawn-out version of The Decemberists "The Crane Wife" oddly enough.

Bedtime Music: We have a small CD player that we play lullabies on. This works sometimes as a substitute to singing and sometimes in addition to. We have a few different CDs and mixes to change things up. But, like all these others, their tastes sometime drift away from this ritual.

Story of the Day: This is especially good if we've had long, active days or had visitors. We sit and talk about all the things we did today, each taking turns coming up with details to fill it out. Then, we end by planning out our next day. This works really well for making our expectations if we have big plans for tomorrow.

Holding Hands: Sometimes I have to sit there and hold hands until my older daughter goes to sleep. This only works when she's really tired and had some kind of a scare. She is usually asleep pretty fast, or I just can't stay there all night and she moves into our bed. Holding hands is a last resort before:

Pulling my own hair out and screaming until I die: Sometimes nothing works. We have the girls shack up with us in our bed like we used to and hope to move them sometime in the night so that we can get some rest, too. The main thing is to realize that no matter how prepared you are, you're not always going to come out successfully. I don't actually recommend pulling out hair or screaming or dying, but it sure sounds like it would be helpful.

I always tell my daughters when they play keep-away with our German Shepard, "Don't play to win, just play." That's how I feel about bedtime. Don't play to win. In the end, they can always outlast your patients if you make it a power struggle. Just talk things out, give in if you must, but set expectations that this night is different from tomorrow night.

Marketing TV to Children

There's a channel called Sprout on many cable services now. There's also the ironically-named channel called Noggin. These are channels that are aimed at 0-2 year olds. The companies that run the channels are really biting the bullet for you here--there are no commercial interruptions on these channels. Just 24 hours a day of television for your baby. This is good, right?

If you read this blog at all, you know what my stance is going to be.

Doctors have told us time and time again that children under 2 should watch zero hours of TV a day. That's zero. Why is this? What's so evil about a channel that is benevolent enough to provide you with kids shows free of commercials?

The medium of TV is unique. The two-dimensional world of television is disorienting to our bodies. Whenever there is what is called a "formal feature," such as a cut, zoom, edit, wipe, whatever, our bodies respond with a particular adrenal reaction. It's called the orienting response. As predators, strange movements like those catch our attention. And in order to react to being disoriented, our blood pressure drops, giving us a moment of calm that last from 4-6 seconds. Yes, this is an exceptionally mild, hardly noticeable to the mind, unless they were to come in huge doses.

During most TV shows, these features occur every--you guessed it--4-6 seconds. During commercials and music videos, they come every second.

Your body knows this. This is why it's relaxing to watch TV. The content of a show itself is not relaxing, otherwise we'd be watching landscapes with ambient music. But as we follow Jack (from 24 or Lost) through a weekly tribulation, we get a dose of Soma.

When your baby sits watching Elmo or Dora and seems to be concentrating or at ease, it's not because they are learning or relaxing. It's because they are mesmerized by the most prevalent drug in history, getting dose after dose from their own bodies courtesy of the TV.

You may wonder why Johnny and Jill seem to be having a problem concentrating in school several years from now.

But we still haven't answered the question of what the channels get out of this. First of all, of course, they are selling products to these 0-2 year olds. They are selling them Dora and Elmo licensed products. And though they may not buy them themselves, and though they may even be too young to nag in many cases, their parents buy them for them. They know that their little Johnny is enthralled with Elmo's World and that the Spanglish-speaking little imp is empowering Jill by exploring.

Second, and perhaps more disturbingly, they're selling them TV. They're creating TV watchers out of them from birth. Since the late 70s, marketing companies have focused their larger clients with the strategy of "cradle-to-grave marketing" (their name for it, not mine). They know that if they can land them young, they'll be consumers all their lives. Then they can rest easy under a Dora tombstone.

When you stop watching TV, you no longer get the relaxation effects leave your body. However, this leaves you jittery and anxious. That's because while the relaxation leaves, but you are left with passivity and lethargy. Anyone who's ever been addicted knows that you don't want that kind of let-down. They know that kids will keep watching, just to stay sane.

Having your children sit forever in front of TV may seem easy. And I understand the impulse to watch hours of TV after a long day. But there has never been a force more damaging to imagination and creativity. Be a badass--turn it off.

Related:
Giving Up TV
10 Ways to Tame TV
10 Alternative to Conventional TV

Imagination and Curiosity

My daughter has the most depressing imaginary friend in the whole world. Her name is Blently (the imaginary friend, not my daughter) and she lives by herself. She has no parents, no friends, no way to get across town to visit my daughter. When I ask what Blently eats, I am told that she likes pizza and macaroni. When I ask how she gets her food, I am told that “a man” gives it to her, but that he doesn’t stay to eat with her.

I don’t know what to make of Blently. She pops up in conversation every now and then. Usually it’s an announcement in the car, something like, “Blently is very sad today. She still does not have anything fun to do.” When I offer to pick the poor girl up, I am told that “She is very busy and cannot play.” I ask if there’s any way that Blently can come and play at a time when Mommy and Daddy don’t watch—hoping to bring some relief to the monotony of the poor girl’s life. But, no, she has no way to get to our house and she will be too busy at any given time.

Yet, there are some qualities of Blently’s that I’m afraid my daughter likes. For one, Blently is 4, a year older than my daughter. She could use the potty several months before my daughter could. She can also sing very beautifully, but, one supposes, to a null audience. She can write, she can read, and she doesn’t cry when she’s lonely. Their choices of food seem pretty much the same.

Could it be that Blently is my daughter’s Tyler Durden?

I hope not. I hate to think that somehow my daughter’s unfulfilled fantasies of living by herself in a kingdom of loneliness. Psychologists have come a long way in how they view imaginary friends. Even Dr. Spock said some pretty depressing things about imaginary friends in his early career and much of these have been mainly debunked by now.

I don’t think that imagination is a bad thing. I don’t think that having an imaginary friend is, for the most part, anything but fun. I don’t want to stifle any aspect of my daughter’s creativity with this whole Blently thing, though I do wish she’d let the poor girl branch out from her dungeon.

Imagination is another side of curiosity, to me. By playing through this Blently scenario, my daughter is exploring the world. She is discovering what it would be like to live by herself—even if she were a year older—and in what ways she is dependent on family for her everyday things. She is also exploring the realms of happiness that she has playing with friends and with her little sister.

And curiosity is only a good thing. Whenever someone is praised for being “smart,” all they are seeing is the level of curiosity that the person exhibits. The answers to whatever questions one may pose are out there—it’s the questions that elude most people. If someone asks you why the sky is blue and you know the answer (Rayleigh scattering), it’s only because you bothered to ask the question yourself one day.

It is an important role of a parent to cultivate a child’s curiosity. Easy answers or brush-offs are not conducive to this; don’t train your child to feel stupid for asking a question. Instead, follow them through and show them how each answer can lead to other questions.

In the meantime, I have to try and encourage my daughter to come up with someone less heartbreaking to hear about every day.

Changes

The other day I was driving from Houston to Austin and I got a call from an old friend of mine. I've known her for as long as we've both been alive and she became a mom shortly after I became a dad. We were talking about potty training--the ups and downs of the whole thing--and, specifically, we were talking about cleaning out the tiny potty after, well, number two.

I broke into my own conversation, which was in a very descriptive stage, to point out that all the years we've known each other, the subject of cleaning crap out of a plastic receptacle had never really come up before; things had changed a lot in the past couple years. It was a mildly interesting interjection.

I remember when I was really young hearing my grandma say that nothing in this world is constant but change. While I feel that change is constant, the rate of change is fluctuating. If I think about the changes that occurred in my life from ages 15-17, it can't begin to compare to the changes in my life from ages 25-27.

It's like plate tectonics. Pressure and tension build up over time and then WHAM, an earthquake slaps the surface. And now, watching my daughters grow up is like having massive aftershocks every single day. They are expressions of flux, every day growing and learning. They learn more in a single day than I can take in during a semester of graduate school.

Without a doubt the biggest moment of change in my life was when my first daughter was born. It was a palpable feeling; probably something like dying would be. Seriously. Or maybe like being born, myself. I felt like I fell apart and was something else entirely. As much as I've tried to write about that moment over and over in my life, I've never found the right words. I've never come close, and I really don't expect to any more.

The earthquake of that moment is still being felt. In a single instant, priorities shifted forever, concerns toppled, things were put into focus and others taken out of focus, the world that I lived in seems silly and trifling now, and the world now seems multilayered--stratified with superficial concerns on the bottom, ideas of consumerism waddling in the muck going up to petty concerns about money, and the lightest layers floating on top; the joy and mystery of life, the feeling of a baby falling asleep on your chest.

I think it's a shame that some people are able to overcome the power of that change. Some people are able to go back to their old concerns and priorities. Maybe they've just been rooted in them for so long. Maybe they feel that there is time in their lives for everything.

The world is at once infinite and temporary to me, these days. I think it's important to take a moment now and then, see where we've been, and take note of where we are. Where are my priorities today? Have I put them in the right place, or have I fallen into really old habits again? How can I help guide the change that will happen today, push it in a positive direction for my kids? Yes, it's just one day. The world they make today, they will change tomorrow, so every single step counts.

Potty Party may lead to Pity Party

My daughters are ages 2 and 3. They are bright young girls with vocabulary skills that really blow my mind from time to time. And while every parent takes pride in the developmental milestones of their children, there's one that I'm just plain vexed by. That damn potty training.

To be honest, I feared it for long before I ever had kids. I have an abnormal memory, as far as I can tell, remembering many mundane events that happened before my second birthday. I remember the frusteration of not being able to communicate and I remember the dread and despair of potty training. Why in the world would my Mom insist that I try using a potty when the diaper thing was working out just fine? Well, probably because she was six months pregnant and didn't want to have two kids in diapers.

Man, do I understand that now. Our older daughter has been ready to use the potty for at least a year. She can tell you when she is planning on going pee (especially a pleasure in public) and she sequesters herself when she has to do any more than pee. Then, she gives you a report about her estimated size of the delivery.

It's heartbreaking.

And we don't know why she hates the potty so. We're sick of hearing people's advice on the subject because there just isn't any correlation between her and a potty-using child; there's no common ground on which to compare them. She just won't sit on the damn thing. Not for reward or punishment (though, I suppose, we stopped short of any kind of punishment, and maybe a taser would work wonders).

Our second daughter is on her way down the same path. She did like to sit on the potty, though there was never any positive outcome, as she would then stand up to pee. But watching and imitating her sister is the subject that she has most mastered and she can tell that this potty thing must be some kind of trick, trap, or otherwise undesirable type of monster. S she now refuses to sit.

I think this is about control. I think this is about power.

We're very read-up on the subject. We haven't taken this lightly, and all the advice we have heard and read about has been tried. But still, we can't get over the idea that they have mastered their digetive tracks well enough to do it and that we don't want to cause them any lasting emotional trauma.

With all of this in mind, we are going to try one more time.

The Potty Party. It's our last hope. After this doesn't work, I'm going to wait until they go to college and let the dean of student activities deal with the situation.

Tomorrow morning, they will wake up to a near-Christmas caliber event. Wrapped, new potties, one for each. Soli's favorite color is pink, and Luna's oscillates between blue and green. We will rid them of their diapers under the majesty of streemers and balloons. Their brand new baby dolls (today's payday, in case you didn't catch this expensive trend) will have to be potty trained. The girls will delight in this, of course, as they understand the wonderment of potting even though they haven't indulged.

Then, they will have to put things into action for themselves. There will be fancy, cute, panties at their call standing by for wearing. And there will be cake baking, should they make the big score.

It's silly. And, honestly, I don't want such a party every time I go potty (though a little more fanfare would be nice). And I just don't know if it will work. But I'm sick of diapers. I'm sick of feeling like I can't do it. In many ways, this mirrors the frustration that I had when I potty trained, only now I'm having it from the other side.

So wish us luck, because we'll be want for it. And I'll let you know after the weekend if I recommend your own potty party, or if it was a bust.

In the meantime, please enjoy an on-topic video:

The Sex Talk

A recent trip to visit our folks resulted in my three-year-old wondering where babies come from. Something had to spawn it sooner or later, and it is probably fortuitous considering all the talk there's been around here lately about a third baby. All the same, it was somewhat unexpected and really, there was no real strategy in place. Here's how it went:

Solstice (that's daughter number one) was looking at pictures of me when I was her age. This is something that grandparents love to thrill grandkids with. This information, about me being her age at one time in the universe, got her to thinking. Finally, while in the car, she quizzed her mother on the situation. "Mommy," she said, "do you remember when Daddy was a little boy?"

She answered truthfully that she didn't, but that she met me much later. This led to a series of questions getting at the heart of the whole issue. Finally, my wife told her that we had met, fallen in love, and gotten married. "Was I there?" she asked.

My wife did her best to explain that, no, she wasn't there, that it was before she was born, before she was a baby. But that we decided to have a baby. "You went to the store?" Well, no, we didn't go to the store. She explained to Solstice that Daddy put her in Mommy's stomach so that she could grow in there.

And now, Solstice had fully grasped the situation. "Oh," she said conclusively, "He used his magic wand."

Hmm. Not exactly. But the resultant laughing was enough to end the conversation without any of the more explicit details.

So what do we do about the whole "sex talk" thing? I've read a few things lately by people in the field who say that around age 8 is the right time. But by the time my 3 year old is 8, will it be too late? And if she's this curious right now, how do we put things off further? We can't really have her telling people in public that her new sibling was put into her mommy's tummy by daddy's magic wand! That would be considerable more disturbing for those listening to this astonishing fact than the gory truth of the thing.

As for me, I cannot remember not knowing. It's not due to any lack of memory as I remember my 2nd birthday. But I'm sure at that age I didn't have a lot of wonder about the subject. I imagine that it has more to due with the fact that my mom was a childbirth teacher and somewhat of a hippie. I don't remember a single time that "the talk" was delivered to me, but many instances of simple explanation that I mainly shied away from.

Conversely, there are many friends of mine who say that their parents never told them. They had to find out friends and their varying sources of reliability. I think this is mainly a selfish point of view in parenting, where the parent hopes to avoid a conversation that will feel awkward.

I wonder how our generation will handle this one. There are lots of books that explain this with illustrations and the like, but I don't know if I really want to read the book with the cartoon penis in it every night before bed. While, yes, at this point in my parenting life I hope that my girls never have any interests in boys, I know this can't ultimately be the case. And unlike people, like our dear president, who think that sex education should be about how to avoid sex, I think it should be about education. And with the curious minds I already have in tow, I don't believe in holding back truths from a mind seeking to learn something.

I am curious to know how the more experienced parents handled this and how the others plan on handling it. I don't think that by any means this is the defining issue of our children's lives, and I think that most of the drama is parent-induced. Nevertheless, all discourse is helpful.

The Power of Language in Childhood Creativity

Certainly the most amazing thing we will ever accomplish is over and done with by age five. Scale Mt. Everest, swim the Pacific, be the first person to walk on Mars, and it doesn't matter--your very biggest accomplishment is resting softly behind you with no laurels, no medals, and hardly a thought put into it after the milestone of preschool is reached. Of course, what we're talking about is the aquisition of language.

But to say "the aquisition of language" and act like we have a true understanding of what we speak of is to make the greatest understatement in human history. To aquire, master, or even understand any form of language is to gain a cognitive universe, full of ups, downs, emotions, colors, textures, and thought. All of these notions that we have about what reality is are based on the way that we use language. Our very perceptions of reality would shift dramatically without this basic skill.

Much has been written about this that I'd love to quote, but a blog entry can only be so long and, after all, I have a point to make somewhere after this meandering, so let me show you what I'm talking about.

Words as a substitute for understanding

When my oldest daughter was just beginning to speak, she expressed her curiosity about the world through her use of language. We, in turn, showed her the world that surrounds her by also using the language. As she aquired words, she not only had ways of saying things, but she aquired understandings about the world around her. And, even if she ultimatley didn't understand the concept she was trying to grasp, using a word as a replacement for the understanding being sought was enough for her.

Here's a good example: She started to wonder where I went all day. She would wake up, and I wouldn't be there most days of the week. For her, the universe is small, the population mainly centered in and around our house, and she, of course, couldn't fathom what it was I was doing not within the framework of her universe. She said this by shaking her head, putting out her arms, and saying, "Daddy? Where Daddy?" Easily enough, her question was posed.

The answer was, "At work."

And every day, she would nod and say, "At work."

This progressed. After a week or two of this question/anser jag, she started coming into the room and announcing, "Daddy at work."

Let me ask you this: what did a 14 month old know about "work?" Nothing, really. It was a place that Daddy goes instead of staying at home. She couldn't possibly know that this was normal for daddies everywhere, or what a myriad of different meanings "work" can have, both by definition and by context. But she was more than willing to take that word and use it as understanding, as meaning. And only now that she's three does she have much of an understanding at all.

Our kids do this with everything we teach them. Every little tiny thing. They take it as understanding and meaning. So how we present the world to them doesn't just offer description of a reality, but it gives them the only reality they know. This is heavy stuff. This is their world.

Okay, so what do we do with this information?

First of all, beats me. I mean, this is a big realization, that our responsibilities are not just to teach our children to speak, but to actually design the world that they live in. My wife could have easily told my daughter that I was off "killing" instead of being at "work." And it would be easy to show the ways that my part in the system of education can lead to things like poverty and war and deaths. And this is the world that she would be living in now.

But I think this presents us with great opportunity. I don't think that children should be molded. I think it's unavoidable that we should show them our beliefs and our ideals, but I don't think they should be forced. And I think this realization about language is a chance to steer things away from the brainwashing of the world.

Instead, I think we should see the aquisition of language as a great chance to nurture their creativity. Try and expand their vocabulary, especially if you speak English. English has more words than any other language ever has and is the only language that requires a thesaurus. It is a shame that we use so little of these words.

One of the greatest writers of English was Joseph Conrad. In his very slim book, The Heart of Darkness, he shows how versatile and beautiful the English language can be. It can be, in fact, much more like mood music when describing a scene or an action, and the understanding of his meaning comes across in painted pictures rather than concrete descriptors.

This is, of course, notable because Joseph Conrad held English as his third language. His outside perspective of the language enabled him to see the true spectrum. He was free of the usuage of language that his parents and peers employed.

In many ways, it would be ideal if our children were free from the bonds of language that we impose on them. And in other ways, they will be; afterall, children get their accents not from their parents, but from their peers.

Conclusions?

No. But I think it's important as a caring father to have an expanded awareness of how we raise our kids. Creativity is an attribute that should be cultivated in our children, regardless of how it helps them do on standardized tests. We should embrace their interpretations of the world and let them indulge in their own thoughts and ideas as much as we can. Encourage them to play with language. Engourage them to think outside of the box. Ask them their interpretation of the world before offering them the easy answer. You may be surprised and, hopefully, you'll be open to the idea that you are no more right than they are; you just agree with the majority.

Not Willing to Give Up TV? 10 Ways to Tame it.

I’ve had a lot of response for my post, Giving up TV. In fact, on a normal day, the “hits” on that post register about 100 times more than hits on any other post. What’s the deal with that? Are we so fascinated by the idea that we actually can live without TV that it deserves to be met with such curiosity and excitement? Are there really people out there who haven’t thought about giving up their TV addiction? I don’t pretend to know the answers, but as long as I have the attention of a pretty large number of people, I want to encourage this movement away from media-dependence. You’ve probably noticed how pervasive the TV is.

With the TV on in our houses, our day is not our own. We make our schedules around it. We make decisions based on it. We give corporations a window into our houses. We hand out kids over to the corporate culture without thinking about it. And we pay for most of it.

And yet…

We are so fascinated with what they have to say about the weather that they say it every six minutes on morning. Then, after they’ve told us about the weather, they promise more about it in another six minutes. And we tune in again. Why is the weather so important to people in the morning? Bring a sweater! Put an umbrella in your car or bike! You don’t need to know what the day has in store! They’re probably wrong and you probably have a pretty good idea yourself.

We alter plans and possibilities of human interaction because of what’s on TV. They have molded your day when this happens. I once had a date tell me that she had to go home because TGIF was on ABC. Okay, it probably wasn’t the “quality” programming that was driving her away, but it seemed like a logical excuse to her. It seemed so because this isn’t uncommon. A friend of mine in college said that he called his mom because he was having a rough time adjusting and she said, “Let me call you back after Big Brother.” We establish and nurture relationships with the characters on TV even at the expense of our own friends and family.

The corporations that have us pay for their service make money not only from us but from the channels and advertisers on the other side of things. We are paying to watch ads. The shows are really just unfortunate side effects for the TV companies (unless, of course, they present good places for product placement). And we willingly sit our kids down to watch shows that leave them desiring cheap, useless merchandise that they don’t really want. Kids, especially pre-teen and teenagers, feel worse about themselves after watching commercials.

And I know what you’re thinking, “I’m not affected by commercials.” Then tell me why advertisers pay $200,000,000,000 a year for advertising on TV? You’re telling me it doesn’t work? You just don’t see the big picture like they do. It works. Trust me. Or trust them, at least.

But there are ways that you can help these strange events happening under your own roof. For one, you can get rid of the TV. But many just won’t do that. Luckily, there are other ways.

So. You’re not willing to give up the TV?

Big deal. This doesn’t mean you can’t join the fight against it. What the TV’s function is in most households is really the acknowledgement that you’re there, you’re alive, you’re awake. People wake up and turn the thing on as a symbol for “clocking-in” for your day. It will remain on, even if muted, for the rest of the day as long as you are in your house. For some people, this even means turning on TVs in multiple rooms. This TV being on is comforting for us. We were raised that way. We may even perceive our pets to prefer the presence of the all-knowing box. There are some very solid steps that you can take to tame the beast.

1. Mindful TV Watching
TV doesn’t have to be mindless. Only watch TV when there is something that you want to watch. Read that last sentence again. Make it a mantra. There is no reason to flip through channels seeking you-know-not-what. And don’t turn on the TV just because the kids want to “watch something” or “watch TV.” Ask them what they want to watch. Turn it on if you think that’s a good idea. Don’t offer suggestions, make them discern what it is they want to do with their time; this shouldn’t be just to waste time.

2. Impose Time Limits
I use to really make fun of friends of mine who said, “My mom only lets me watch an hour of TV a day.” But first, let us look at that statement. What, besides TV, does a parent let their child do for more than an hour a day? There just aren’t that many activities that we do that beg for four or five hours of our time every day. And those that do should hopefully give you some sort of product, like a backyard deck or a new guestroom, after a certain number of days.

3. Flexible Limits
You don’t have to stick with a certain amount of TV every day. I know parents who give their kids tickets to watch shows. This often results in siblings coordinating TV watching plans. Or, you can sit down on Sunday and map out a plan for the week—which shows are “important” to watch or a special movie night or some such.

4. Time Frames
Or, maybe TV watching is free in the morning, when little kids wake up too early and parents follow suit, but then goes off after everyone has had breakfast and gotten dressed for the day. That would at least encourage a view of TV watching as having a docile purpose in the day rather than a dictator of it.

5. Keep kids away from certain shows
What shows? Shows that are nothing but commercials masked in plots. Shows like Dora, Power Rangers, and the like. If there’s a huge amount of products associated with it, you should urge them in a different direction. These shows created misplaced desires and they direct those desires by changing characters, adding characters, encouraging collection, etc. And when you kid does collect them all, they will only see how unfulfilling it is when the movie comes out and all the old characters become irrelevant. Instead, shows like Arthur that are more closely associated with books can be a better alternative (but don’t fall for something like a Dora book—those things are like poison put to print when your child wants you to read it again and again).

6. Get Rid of Cable
And I don’t mean “buy Dish!” I mean, get rid of all those damn channels. How many of them do you watch? They spread the good channels out within their three or four strata of service options so that you have to get 150 channels to watch five good ones, but 200 channels to watch nine good ones. And having cable really detracts from the idea of mindful TV watching. Maybe you have a good antenna and can get the local channels. But I don’t recommend getting “basic cable” because a) they’ll talk you into getting a bigger package at less money and b) because you don’t need to send their kids to college—stop lining their pockets.

7. TIVO
I have no experience with TIVO whatsoever. But I have a few problems with it. 1) you’re paying for a service; 2) you probably still have cable; 3) You have to fast-forward through commercials when they should be automatically blacked-out. So, instead:

8. Get an AppleTV
I swear they’re not paying me to say this again. But with one of these expensive systems hooked up to your TV, you can only watch shows that you decide to pay for. You will automatically limit TV to shows that you actually want to watch and you will cut out commercials altogether. Plus, you never, ever have to change your schedule around a show (though you’ll often have to tell your neighbors not to say anything about Survivor until that weekend). I would happily rather pay for a show that doesn’t have commercials than watch a show for free that does. I’ve been saying that for at least 10 years before the AppleTV came out.

9. Get a DVD player
Oh, you have one? What’s it there for? I’ll tell you what it’s there for: mindful watching. Only shows you want, no commercials. This is especially helpful with the increased presence of quality TV shows being put on DVD compulsively and online things like Netflix getting them to you.

10. Get a blanket
To put over the screen. Make it hard to turn it on. Only take that blanket off when you really, really want to watch something. Bonus points if it’s a pretty blanket or a tapestry.

And, as always, there are plenty of alternative to watching TV at all. You will find yourself with more time, more energy, and more room for your families. Such are the things that being a badass dad are all about.

Five Quotes to Live By

Getting caught up in the day to day experiences of life can blind one to the things they truly care about. It doesn't do a lot of good to lose focus and lose balance. But these following quotes--chosen because they a) are great and b) aren't cliche--are short meditations on what it is to embrace one's priorities. Read through and maybe you'll find one that speaks to you today:

1. Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise: seek what they sought. ~Basho

In my writing classes, I try and stress the ideas of respect and acceptance of our fellow classmates. This is sometimes harder to achieve than you might think. In my classes students are encouraged to write about their own experiences and what has brought them to their beliefs. This causes a lot of trouble between different ideologies the students might hold. But this quote really puts into focus what I try and stress to the class. "Whatever you've been through, whatever you've done, it's brought you here," I tell the class. "We have at least something in common, some part of the goals we reach involve this place and this time. Don't knock what has brought the person next to you. You didn't need to go through that to get here; he or she did."

Basho is one of the great masters of the haiku, so it is perhaps without surprise that he is so quotable (if you haven't read any of his poems, you need to). It always reminds me that my life doesn't to be like that of the people or religious leaders whom I admire. There may be a lot of things to learn from their lives, but my lessons will be different.

2. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

Twain in perhaps my favorite author. To me, he really shows his stuff in the second part of this quote. While he, being somewhat of a sailor, may have meant it more literally than I take it, it really speaks to the adventurous nature of this quote. Many of us, I'm sure, have read and understand that first sentence in some form or another, it's the second part that really brings it to life, that lets you feel what he means. Taking this pulnge to follow your dreams has never sounded more exciting and appealing than he makes it sound. This quote often inspires me to drop my petty concerns about a project, a trip, an expenditure, or a big decision.

3. Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness. ~Chuang-tzu

How Taoist is this quote? Just decide to be happy and you are. How can it be that easy? Well, if we apply this notion to the ways in which we are always striving to get more, more, more, then it comes to light. This can be seen as a tremendous argument for simplicity. Decide, for yourself, how much is going to be enough. How big of a house, how much stuff, how much money, how much time shopping, how much vacation time, and hit that mark. If you don't have any idea of what kind of ceiling there is, you'll keep wanting more. And if you want more, then by definition, you will always feel unsatisfied with what you have. So stop trying. Look around you, look at what you have, decide that that is enough.

4. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. ~Carlos Castaneda

I know people who spend all their time being miserable. They complain about their days, they whine about service at a restaurant, they loath their coworkers, the weather has ruined their day, etc. They are the type of people who put a negative spin on everything. And I catch myself doing this at times. It's not appealing. Look around and decide that you're going to be happy. Decide that no matter how bad this day gets, it can be turned around. The kids can have a terrible morning, whining and crying, and I can have a terrible day at work. But, in the moment it takes to complain about something, we can change our days and our focus. We can make ourselves and our families happy and remind them that the day is never lost.

5. The mind is its own place, and of itself Can make a hell of heaven, a heaven of hell. ~Satan from Milton's Paradise Lost

There's nothing like using a quote from Satan to put a positive spin on your day. But this quote is very related to the last two. It is our frames of mind that make us happy, that make us miserable, that make us satisfied or unsatisfied. And I imagine that Satan, with his experiences in Heaven and Hell would be as much an authority of their properties as anyone. So let's trust the guy. This quote is a tremendous argument to rid yourself of anxiety and pressures, of assessing your situation and being content with it, of making the most of things. If things don't turn out like you planned, adjust to the new plan.

I write these quotes down today as an affirmation. I want today to be good. I'm stressed, I'm behind in my grading, I have one more week left of my statistics class. But there are reminders everywhere of the power of our own determination to take control of our days. To make the most of things and set a good example for ourselves and for our kids.

Deep breath.

Let's go.