Not Willing to Give Up TV? 10 Ways to Tame it.

I’ve had a lot of response for my post, Giving up TV. In fact, on a normal day, the “hits” on that post register about 100 times more than hits on any other post. What’s the deal with that? Are we so fascinated by the idea that we actually can live without TV that it deserves to be met with such curiosity and excitement? Are there really people out there who haven’t thought about giving up their TV addiction? I don’t pretend to know the answers, but as long as I have the attention of a pretty large number of people, I want to encourage this movement away from media-dependence. You’ve probably noticed how pervasive the TV is.

With the TV on in our houses, our day is not our own. We make our schedules around it. We make decisions based on it. We give corporations a window into our houses. We hand out kids over to the corporate culture without thinking about it. And we pay for most of it.

And yet…

We are so fascinated with what they have to say about the weather that they say it every six minutes on morning. Then, after they’ve told us about the weather, they promise more about it in another six minutes. And we tune in again. Why is the weather so important to people in the morning? Bring a sweater! Put an umbrella in your car or bike! You don’t need to know what the day has in store! They’re probably wrong and you probably have a pretty good idea yourself.

We alter plans and possibilities of human interaction because of what’s on TV. They have molded your day when this happens. I once had a date tell me that she had to go home because TGIF was on ABC. Okay, it probably wasn’t the “quality” programming that was driving her away, but it seemed like a logical excuse to her. It seemed so because this isn’t uncommon. A friend of mine in college said that he called his mom because he was having a rough time adjusting and she said, “Let me call you back after Big Brother.” We establish and nurture relationships with the characters on TV even at the expense of our own friends and family.

The corporations that have us pay for their service make money not only from us but from the channels and advertisers on the other side of things. We are paying to watch ads. The shows are really just unfortunate side effects for the TV companies (unless, of course, they present good places for product placement). And we willingly sit our kids down to watch shows that leave them desiring cheap, useless merchandise that they don’t really want. Kids, especially pre-teen and teenagers, feel worse about themselves after watching commercials.

And I know what you’re thinking, “I’m not affected by commercials.” Then tell me why advertisers pay $200,000,000,000 a year for advertising on TV? You’re telling me it doesn’t work? You just don’t see the big picture like they do. It works. Trust me. Or trust them, at least.

But there are ways that you can help these strange events happening under your own roof. For one, you can get rid of the TV. But many just won’t do that. Luckily, there are other ways.

So. You’re not willing to give up the TV?

Big deal. This doesn’t mean you can’t join the fight against it. What the TV’s function is in most households is really the acknowledgement that you’re there, you’re alive, you’re awake. People wake up and turn the thing on as a symbol for “clocking-in” for your day. It will remain on, even if muted, for the rest of the day as long as you are in your house. For some people, this even means turning on TVs in multiple rooms. This TV being on is comforting for us. We were raised that way. We may even perceive our pets to prefer the presence of the all-knowing box. There are some very solid steps that you can take to tame the beast.

1. Mindful TV Watching
TV doesn’t have to be mindless. Only watch TV when there is something that you want to watch. Read that last sentence again. Make it a mantra. There is no reason to flip through channels seeking you-know-not-what. And don’t turn on the TV just because the kids want to “watch something” or “watch TV.” Ask them what they want to watch. Turn it on if you think that’s a good idea. Don’t offer suggestions, make them discern what it is they want to do with their time; this shouldn’t be just to waste time.

2. Impose Time Limits
I use to really make fun of friends of mine who said, “My mom only lets me watch an hour of TV a day.” But first, let us look at that statement. What, besides TV, does a parent let their child do for more than an hour a day? There just aren’t that many activities that we do that beg for four or five hours of our time every day. And those that do should hopefully give you some sort of product, like a backyard deck or a new guestroom, after a certain number of days.

3. Flexible Limits
You don’t have to stick with a certain amount of TV every day. I know parents who give their kids tickets to watch shows. This often results in siblings coordinating TV watching plans. Or, you can sit down on Sunday and map out a plan for the week—which shows are “important” to watch or a special movie night or some such.

4. Time Frames
Or, maybe TV watching is free in the morning, when little kids wake up too early and parents follow suit, but then goes off after everyone has had breakfast and gotten dressed for the day. That would at least encourage a view of TV watching as having a docile purpose in the day rather than a dictator of it.

5. Keep kids away from certain shows
What shows? Shows that are nothing but commercials masked in plots. Shows like Dora, Power Rangers, and the like. If there’s a huge amount of products associated with it, you should urge them in a different direction. These shows created misplaced desires and they direct those desires by changing characters, adding characters, encouraging collection, etc. And when you kid does collect them all, they will only see how unfulfilling it is when the movie comes out and all the old characters become irrelevant. Instead, shows like Arthur that are more closely associated with books can be a better alternative (but don’t fall for something like a Dora book—those things are like poison put to print when your child wants you to read it again and again).

6. Get Rid of Cable
And I don’t mean “buy Dish!” I mean, get rid of all those damn channels. How many of them do you watch? They spread the good channels out within their three or four strata of service options so that you have to get 150 channels to watch five good ones, but 200 channels to watch nine good ones. And having cable really detracts from the idea of mindful TV watching. Maybe you have a good antenna and can get the local channels. But I don’t recommend getting “basic cable” because a) they’ll talk you into getting a bigger package at less money and b) because you don’t need to send their kids to college—stop lining their pockets.

7. TIVO
I have no experience with TIVO whatsoever. But I have a few problems with it. 1) you’re paying for a service; 2) you probably still have cable; 3) You have to fast-forward through commercials when they should be automatically blacked-out. So, instead:

8. Get an AppleTV
I swear they’re not paying me to say this again. But with one of these expensive systems hooked up to your TV, you can only watch shows that you decide to pay for. You will automatically limit TV to shows that you actually want to watch and you will cut out commercials altogether. Plus, you never, ever have to change your schedule around a show (though you’ll often have to tell your neighbors not to say anything about Survivor until that weekend). I would happily rather pay for a show that doesn’t have commercials than watch a show for free that does. I’ve been saying that for at least 10 years before the AppleTV came out.

9. Get a DVD player
Oh, you have one? What’s it there for? I’ll tell you what it’s there for: mindful watching. Only shows you want, no commercials. This is especially helpful with the increased presence of quality TV shows being put on DVD compulsively and online things like Netflix getting them to you.

10. Get a blanket
To put over the screen. Make it hard to turn it on. Only take that blanket off when you really, really want to watch something. Bonus points if it’s a pretty blanket or a tapestry.

And, as always, there are plenty of alternative to watching TV at all. You will find yourself with more time, more energy, and more room for your families. Such are the things that being a badass dad are all about.

Valentine's Day

First of all, a happy Valentine's Day to those of you out there reading this--especially to those who care to have a happy one.

When I take a poll of my students to see what they think about Valentine's Day in my classes, they either say that they love it, or that "it sucks." And I wonder why the emotions are so strong about it. There is almost no one who feel in the middle about the subject and I don't think that the lines are drawn between those who have dates and those who don't; I think it goes much deeper than that. But for whatever reason, I can't find myself to feel passionate about it either way. I am hoping that readers here will offer their opinions and experiences to help shed light on the myriad of angles of this strange holiday.

I've come to the conclusion in recent days that I don't know exactly what to think about Valentine's Day. I can't find any convincing evidence that the day is based in a pagan holiday, like many of our meaningful holidays are. There's a sort of a conundrum in my mind that I can't find my way to resolve regarding Valentine's Day. It is an internal fight between a holiday that seems to have a great potential for fun, and a holiday that plasters our world with crappy, disposable gifts that are supposed to somehow relate the idea of Love. Let me explain.

The Negative Side

Obviously, this falls into the realm of rampant consumerism that I would rather my children weren't a part of. If I don't want them to buy into the consumer hype, I don't feel like I can participate. So this rules out buying any kind of presents that are specific to Valentines Day. Not that I find them to be great gifts in the first place, but those rows and rows of pink and red that adorn every grocery store are made to be temporary. They fall into the realm of "planned obsolescence," that is, products made to break or otherwise be temporary. Therefore, you essentially throw your money away on stuffed bears holding hearts singing lame songs about love, or boxes of sub-par chocolates, or daisies dyed red.

Not only is the consumerism side of things repulsive because they plan on taking our money for sub-par products that don't serve as proper emissaries of our love, but the whole thing reeks of obligation.

Many of the girls in the classes that I teach (I suppose for this and many other purposes, I treat them as a very unscientific data-collection group) say of their boyfriends, "He'd better get me something." And I don't know about you other husbands and boyfriends out there, but I rarely feel like I'm being loving or giving if I feel like I'm being measured by my performance. I should stress that this is not the majority of the voices that I heard, but the sentiment is not at all uncommon.

This is stressed by the convenience with which someone can buy Valentines Day presents. They are strewn about the fronts of super markets and WalMarts; they are sold on street corners; stores set up outdoor drive-up stands for chocolates and flowers. So let me ask you, if it's the thought that counts, how much thought goes into driving by a store on the way home from work and asking the boy in the drive through flower stand what they have left for under twenty bucks? Or, for that matter, picking up a gaudy red package of chocolate at the WalMart?

If it's an expectation or an obligation, and the products at large are being peddled, I can't be more repulsed by the idea of Valentines Day. But there are other sides to it, as well.

Positive Sides

To look at the positive side, I really go back in my mind towards my childhood, when I wasn't so aware of consumerism and there were no expectations placed on me to perform.

I used to love V-Day in school. We would decorate boxes and bring those stupid packs of cards for everyone in class. There was an excitement and exuberance in getting a card (though obligatory) from the girl that you liked. It was a fun activity and a nice break from the normal activities of school.

My parents used to get us little presents for Valentines Day, too. Not much, of course, but it was always welcome. I remember one time getting a gift certificate for Tower Records. But the best of all was a pocket-knife. It was a big step for a boy, getting a pocket knife. And I'll never know why Valentines Day was chosen for this, or if it was a thoughtful relationship or not. But whatever the gift, my parents never gave us stuffed heart-bears, and the present was always exciting.

The Ambiguity

With my role as husband, I don't know exactly where I currently stand on this strange holiday. I love my wife and look for ways to show it every day. I don't think that a day associated with a remote saint and a greeting card company is really the best opportunity for it. I know that my first couple V-Days with a girlfriend or a wife I labored under the notion that they were going to be really special. I expected to be let into some kind of super exclusive club of have Valentines Day Daters who were going to understand the true meaning of the holiday.

And it's no knock on my wife that this didn't end up being the case. Sure, we had fun. But really, the day didn't end up being all that, well, special. The distinction between something like a birthday or an anniversary is that those are days with a specific history to us. We can talk about our wedding day. Or where we were that time three years ago. Or about our past birthdays. Or whatever. I feel like we're celebrating something.

With Valentines Day, we're surrounded by other people at restaurants. The menu is limited (usually a "special Valentines Day Menu") so they can get people in and out as fast as possible. And really, it feels like it just emphasizes how often we don't go out on a special date. We've had better times going out to eat on the 15th or the weekend before, or whatever. So while I'm thrilled to show my wife my love and I'm happy to take her out on a date whenever I can, I don't see that as the best night to do it.

I've read statistics that state that this is the number one day to get engaged. Well, that's cool, I guess. Then in subsequent V-Day's, they'd have a special event that they are commemorating. But, then again, this falls into the whole expectation thing. I wouldn't want to "pop the question" on a day that she so thoroughly saw it coming. But then again, surprising my wife is one of the severe challenges of my life.

The Conundrum

So where does that leave me? I want to introduce this holiday to my kids before the media does. They are still too young to pronounce it, so I'm jumping on it soon enough. I think that I'll try and find a small, non-Valentines Day, present to give them. I'll tell them about how we love each other every day, but today is often the day that people feel like telling each other that. Why? Well, I don't have a good answer.

As for my wife, honestly, if pay-day were today instead of tomorrow, maybe I'd be out trolling the stores. She has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want anything. I do look for chances to get her things that nurture our relationship. So much of our time and money is spent on nurturing our family--which is a wonderful choice--that I like to take opportunities for us to nurture the just us part of the family. I just don't know if this is the day to do it.

Suggestions?

The only real suggestion that I have is that you and your partner communicate openly and clearly about your expectations for the day. You should be open and honest. And if your wife or girlfriend or boyfriend or whoever really wants something, you should probably take that into consideration--it may be a bigger part of their traditions and belief system that you recognize. And if you plan on not getting them something, maybe you should be clear about the whys of that decision. It might be helpful to pick another day near this one or during another time of year that you can make a special and meaningful day without all the societal baggage.

So, I ask you, how do you celebrate Valentines Day? Is there a way that you've cut out the consumerism and expectations, or do you just put up with it for today? Or, do you ignore the day? Or, do you have a new tradition to introduce or a special way to make the day meaningful for our kids? I'm asking because I don't have a clear answer myself.

Five Quotes to Live By

Getting caught up in the day to day experiences of life can blind one to the things they truly care about. It doesn't do a lot of good to lose focus and lose balance. But these following quotes--chosen because they a) are great and b) aren't cliche--are short meditations on what it is to embrace one's priorities. Read through and maybe you'll find one that speaks to you today:

1. Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise: seek what they sought. ~Basho

In my writing classes, I try and stress the ideas of respect and acceptance of our fellow classmates. This is sometimes harder to achieve than you might think. In my classes students are encouraged to write about their own experiences and what has brought them to their beliefs. This causes a lot of trouble between different ideologies the students might hold. But this quote really puts into focus what I try and stress to the class. "Whatever you've been through, whatever you've done, it's brought you here," I tell the class. "We have at least something in common, some part of the goals we reach involve this place and this time. Don't knock what has brought the person next to you. You didn't need to go through that to get here; he or she did."

Basho is one of the great masters of the haiku, so it is perhaps without surprise that he is so quotable (if you haven't read any of his poems, you need to). It always reminds me that my life doesn't to be like that of the people or religious leaders whom I admire. There may be a lot of things to learn from their lives, but my lessons will be different.

2. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

Twain in perhaps my favorite author. To me, he really shows his stuff in the second part of this quote. While he, being somewhat of a sailor, may have meant it more literally than I take it, it really speaks to the adventurous nature of this quote. Many of us, I'm sure, have read and understand that first sentence in some form or another, it's the second part that really brings it to life, that lets you feel what he means. Taking this pulnge to follow your dreams has never sounded more exciting and appealing than he makes it sound. This quote often inspires me to drop my petty concerns about a project, a trip, an expenditure, or a big decision.

3. Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness. ~Chuang-tzu

How Taoist is this quote? Just decide to be happy and you are. How can it be that easy? Well, if we apply this notion to the ways in which we are always striving to get more, more, more, then it comes to light. This can be seen as a tremendous argument for simplicity. Decide, for yourself, how much is going to be enough. How big of a house, how much stuff, how much money, how much time shopping, how much vacation time, and hit that mark. If you don't have any idea of what kind of ceiling there is, you'll keep wanting more. And if you want more, then by definition, you will always feel unsatisfied with what you have. So stop trying. Look around you, look at what you have, decide that that is enough.

4. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. ~Carlos Castaneda

I know people who spend all their time being miserable. They complain about their days, they whine about service at a restaurant, they loath their coworkers, the weather has ruined their day, etc. They are the type of people who put a negative spin on everything. And I catch myself doing this at times. It's not appealing. Look around and decide that you're going to be happy. Decide that no matter how bad this day gets, it can be turned around. The kids can have a terrible morning, whining and crying, and I can have a terrible day at work. But, in the moment it takes to complain about something, we can change our days and our focus. We can make ourselves and our families happy and remind them that the day is never lost.

5. The mind is its own place, and of itself Can make a hell of heaven, a heaven of hell. ~Satan from Milton's Paradise Lost

There's nothing like using a quote from Satan to put a positive spin on your day. But this quote is very related to the last two. It is our frames of mind that make us happy, that make us miserable, that make us satisfied or unsatisfied. And I imagine that Satan, with his experiences in Heaven and Hell would be as much an authority of their properties as anyone. So let's trust the guy. This quote is a tremendous argument to rid yourself of anxiety and pressures, of assessing your situation and being content with it, of making the most of things. If things don't turn out like you planned, adjust to the new plan.

I write these quotes down today as an affirmation. I want today to be good. I'm stressed, I'm behind in my grading, I have one more week left of my statistics class. But there are reminders everywhere of the power of our own determination to take control of our days. To make the most of things and set a good example for ourselves and for our kids.

Deep breath.

Let's go.

Five Keys to Mindful Behavior (and not losing your temper)

We don't exist in a vacuum. If we did, it would be easy to be the person we want to be. It'd be easy to manage time, set goals, reach out, and expand ourselves. Being more would be accomplishable in the next five minutes. But our time and energy is constantly hijacked, borrowed, robbed, or given away. Not always for the worse, true, but these things add up. Eventually the pressure is a bit much and we lose sight of how we want to see ourselves.

What I'm talking about is patience, I suppose, and temper. It's too often that I find myself frustrated and angry at my circumstances. I want to get X done, but Y,Z, and A are still sitting in the back of my mind, demanding attention. And I have an important meeting and there's homework due and I haven't cleaned the kitchen in weeks. The frustration of all these little factors can tie itself up in knots in my mind. And the pressure builds. And I finally snap at my wife, chastise my kid, or yell at the puppy. And the picture that I've painted of myself at that moment, that ugly representation of all the space being rented in my mind, is forever burned into my children. It momentarily tarnishes who I am to my wife, and if it's not cleaned off, it can rust.

Sure, conflict can be healthy. I don't think it's a good idea to avoid talking about issues of contention. Things need to be aired out between you and your partner, if you expect this partnership to work at all. And yes, you need to raise your voice once in a while when dealing with your kids, be stern, set your foot down. But these things should be done with intention. There is a world of difference between a calculated move, a planned intonation, and a knee-jerk reaction.

Knee-jerk reactions set you off balance. They disturb harmony. They loosen ties.

We can't be perfect all the time. But if we can maintain control of ourselves, we stand a much better chance of setting the example we hope to set for our families. Everything we do is a reflection of who we are. Losing your temper, getting angry, and being petty can really distort that image.

Kids are like sponges, if you haven't noticed. They soak everything up. The other day, my three year-old broke a crayon at a restaurant. With perfect and cold pronunciation, she said, "God damn it," and went about coloring with half of the blue crayon. My wife and I looked at each other. She didn't get it from TV. We got rid of that thing. She got it from us. And of course we couldn't be mad, but we did explain that it wasn't the polite thing to say, that we were sorry we gave her use of those words.

Sometimes our kids can be our compasses for how we act. If we want our kids to exhibit proper behavior, we have to model it. When there is a lot of traffic, I can hear her strapped into the seat behind me say, as if to herself, "C'mon, dude. Move it." I didn't realize that I said that to stopped cars until she pointed it out. If I were apt to lose my temper in the car rather than get annoyed, she would show me what I look like with road rage.

I don't mean to say that we should edit ourselves or hide who we are from our kids. Instead, I think we should mindfully express who we are based on our lofty self-conceptions. A lot of times, those self-conceptions are hard to live up to. For example, I know enough about healthy eating and exercise to be in any shape that I want to be. But through a perverse loss of control related to emotional and financial stress, I don't show this knowledge. Instead, I keep on compounding these stresses with irresponsible behaviors related to eating and spending.

Our temper acts the same way. Too often we become absorbed in ourselves and we lose sight of our goals. When we lose sight of our goals, we lose sight of ourselves. And that creates a vision of us that everyone around us sees.

How many times have you caught yourself losing your temper, getting into arguments, snapping at your family, all because you are overwhelmed? How can you fight this?

1. Make decisions based on the example you want to set
This is easier said than done. But this goes along with the idea of putting your family first. Don't reach for gratification, but instead see the decisions that you make in light of the long-term ramifications and patterns that your children will notice. Whenever possible, step away from negative patterns, especially when it comes to health, consumerism, and habits.

2. Empathize
When your kids are nagging you, before you get frustrated with them and blow your top, you really have to step back and ask yourself a few questions. What is it that they want? Why? Do you remember a time when you nagged your parents for something like that? What would have made you understand why the answer is "no?" This goes for kids being scared of the dark, not wanting to go to sleep, etc.

3. Don't presume the worst
It's easy for arguments between you and your spouse to get started through communication problems. If you feel like you've been insulted, made fun of, or otherwise criticized, don't snap back. Instead, take a step back and try and find out why this was said or if you may have even taken the comment the wrong way. Many, many problems can be avoided by taking the proper time before offering a retort.

4. Remember the importance of fun
Many times when my kids are being too loud, yelling in the house, making repeditive and disrupting noises, or otherwise polluting the air with their unlimited volume, I have the urge to yell. It's a natural response, right? But you have to take heart of the times when your kids are having fun. If it's not an appropriate fun to have in the house, by all means, change things around. But don't be the ogre that stops all the fun with a bad temper and ruins a perfectly good day. Remember what it was like when you were a kid and try and calm the tempest with understanding.

5. Change your mind
If you've had a bad day, or are too stressed or tired to respond rationally to family pressures, talk this out. Explain where you're coming from, why you have a bad headache, why you need a moment to yourself. Take that moment and earnestly try to console yourself. Earnestly try and change your mind about how your day is going to be. If you decide that you can turn things around and have a good day, you can. If you decide that you can't, then you can't. It's a simple as that. Sit there for as long as it takes to decide that you can.

Resist the knee-jerk reaction. Orchestrate your day without the use of hostility. Remember to show your kids who you want to be, and it will be much easier to become that person.

10 Ways to Claim your Day

Note: Please check out Steve Olson's website to see the article that I penned about Education Vs. Schooling. Thanks again, Steve, for letting me guest-post.

Most mornings I teach an 8am class. Morning classes are my favorite; you haven't hit that afternoon lag, the coffee is fresh in your system, and you know that you're knocking one out right out of the gates. But I am constantly and consistently harried by students who droop and moan about how "early" it is.

But it doesn't just happen in the 8am classes. 9am, 10am, and even, I swear, half the time in any 11am classes I teach.

I'm sad for these students. They don't feel like they've made a decision to be there. They don't feel at all responsible for their presence--which goes to show how responsible they feel for the work we'll be doing. And I'm not a boring teacher, which I at least credit whith why they don't fall asleep.

What I want to tell them is this: It's your day. No one snuck up and took it from you. You're spending it right now and it's never going to come back, and you will have never known that it was yours in the first place. Wake up, grow up, take responsibility, and take charge.

With that advice in mind, I'd like to detail some of the things that make me feel ownership over the days I spend. Sure, some days slip past with me feeling dragged along the whole time. This is especially easy to fall into when you have kids and even easier when you have a set routine. At any rate, here are some ways to claim your day, feel free to mix, match, and ignore as you see fit:

1. Wake up Early
I know this isn't a popular one. But if Benjamin Franklin knew the benefits of early to bed, early to rise a couple hundred years ago, why in the world do we still struggle with it? Why can't we learn that these aren't words made in folly? I tell my students that the day starts at 8am. You can't possibly expect to wake up after that and have any control over your circumstances; they day has begun without you and others are already making the decisions that are going to run the rest of the cycle. I love to wake up early--regardless of the time I go to bed--and feel ripped off when 8am rolls around and others are sharing my day with me. Plus, it's possible to get a little extra time for yourself--or for you and your wife.

2. Start the day Writing
Pull out a notebook, a computer, or the backs of bills and start writing. It doesn't matter what you write. If you have no idea what to write, make it bland. Make lists about what your expectations for the day are. Or what you hope to avoid. If something is bothering you from the days before, write about that. Writing doesn't just serve as a form of communication. Writing is a way that people who practice it can metabolize things. Let it all run out onto the page.

3. Exercise
I used to hate running. I mean, really, really hate it. That's why one day I chose to start doing it three times a week. I figured that if I could start my day facing down something that I was afraid of, that I hated, and get through it, the rest of the day would be cake. Plus, it's good for you and all of that. I had a book that coached you through running a 10k in 13 weeks. It was a step-by-step regimine; a mixture of running and walking that brought you from coach potato to runner. I did it, it was wonderful, and I stopped. Why did I stop? Beats me. But I've got to get back into it. I was happier, healthier, and rested better when I was a runner. And I felt like I had conquered something that had always held me back. Plus, the time to myself (rarely more than 45 minutes a morning) was great. Yoga is another thing that you can do in the comfort of your own home, often with even small kids immitating you (or, in my case, sitting on me during the hardest poses).

4. Read
We've talked about this before, but reading can be a great way to spend your day. I take a book with me wherever I go. To the store, to work, to the mall, everywhere. You never know when you will have to wait somewhere and you can sneak five or ten minutes of page time in. If you're stumped about what to read, check out recomendations here and here or at the Badass Bookstore.

5. Turn off your TV
Did you think I wouldn't mention it this time? The TV is the biggest time-suck in the world. You burn less calories than sleeping while watching TV. It's a tunnel from corporate marketing firms right into your living room.

6. Go for a Walk or Hike
We are creatures meant for walking. Yet we never do it. Walking does wonders for your legs and for me it really helps to clear my mind. Taking the time out of the week to drive out to a good hiking spot does wonders for my entire family.

7. Meditate
This is another activity that is hard to do with your kids around, but if you do it before they wake up or after they go to bed, it can really keep your day on track. There are tons of books and blogs written about the subject and the benefits seem indisputible. While there are lots of different ways to do it that may speak better to you than others, there really isn't a bad way to do it. Carving out time for this activity will lower the volume on negative parts of your life and raise it on the good.

8. Ride your Bike to Work
Riding my bike to work and back is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I know that many of us don't live close enough to our jobs to make this goal a reality. But when we bought our house, we had biking to work in the forefront of our minds. Our last home featured a 45 minute, heavily trafficked commute to my job and it was terrible. It added unwanted stress and really detracted from any peace I might find in a day. Biking to work actually decreases stress and by the time I'm in my office (clothes changed and all), I am more relaxed and ready for the day. When I get home with my totally nerdy bike helmet on, I've already shed the stresses of work through my pedals. Paul Dorn keeps a wonderful Bike Commute Tips blog that is really worth checking out.

9. Clean up at night
The hypocracy alarm just went off. Our house is as messy as any I've been to. Toys, laundry, dog chews all over the place. But if you can manage to get your house to a good, managable place, cleaning up at night will help you to wake up to a clean morning. Your day will start off on the right foot and you'll be able to concentrate on all those wonderful kids activities that serve to make the house messy again. Clean. Repeat.

10. Turn off the Internet
Again with that damn hypocracy alarm. Don't worry, I'm an English Professor and I see the irony in all of its levels when I suggest this. I'll go further and say that you shouldn't turn it off until you've had a chance to visit the Badass Dad Store and clicked on all of our sponsers over there on the right--->. But just because I'm a guy who wants to make a buck on the Internet doesn't mean I'm wrong with this advice. But I digress. Really and truly, the Internet can be the biggest time-suck of them all. Especially if you have Stumble installed on your browser (and most of the traffic to this site is from Stumble, so again, I get it). There's nothing inlcusive or promotional of family bonding about the Internet. It should really be kept to a minimum if you want to feel like the day was yours when you go to bed at night.

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There's nothing that's more of a shame than being dragged around by other forces all day. And there is nothing better than being engaged in your present life. So next time you find yourself complaining about how much there is to do today, or how early it is, or when will the kids just go to bed already, ask yourself this: how much of your life are you going to wish away?

Communicating with your Spouse 101

Part of being a good father is not letting petty things get in the way of having a nice day. Most divorced women polled say that "poor communication" was the cause of their divorce. Most divorced men don't mention communication at all. Many of the arguments that married people have are based entirely on miscommunication. Those that aren't based in it are very often escalated through it. These are tough waters to navigate, so hold on tight, we're sure to run into overgeneralizations and unfair stereotypes ahead:

This is a subject about which volumes of books have been written. And once in a while they make best-seller list, aided by catchy titles, constant exposure on daytime talk shows, great placement on supermarket shelves, and they generally make a great gift that girls buy for that boyfriend who just doesn't understand them. And yet, with all the talk out there, all the cliches about communicating in relationships, this is something that we tend not to take seriously. Men have a tendency to see women as irrational when it comes to things such as communication concerns, just like we think they're being irrational with so many other things. We have a word for it: hysterical.

Hysterical literally means "acting like a woman."

Men don't see communication problems most of the time. Communication for us is cut and tried. You have conversations about things when they are of concern, and if something isn't bothering you, then why the hell should you talk about it, right? But those times that we spend in quiet, comfortable thought are the same times that our wives tend to see us in deep concern, worry, even.

Have you ever expereinced this? Your driving in the car, minding your own business, perhaps looking at the scenery. It's a sunny day, so you're squinting. All of a sudden, out of the blue, your wife leans over and says, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Then what were you thinking about?"

"When?"

"Just now, when you were making that face."

"What face? Nothing. I wasn't thinking about anything."

This happens to me all the time. What the man thinks he's doing in this case is clarifying his position. He simply wasn't thinking about anything. He was looking around, driving the car, and--he thought--spending time with his wife while doing that.

The wife sees a different story. Women tend to want conversation as a part of companionship. The fact that you weren't talking for a while suggests, to them, that something is on your mind. The fact that you were squinting is indicative of this, as well. And, to back up their theory that something is wrong, you were being defensive about your position when caught in the act of thinking about something "wrong" while driving and not interacting with your spouse.

To men, this seems illogical. And it is. In the universe of our conversational style, it makes no sense. We wouldn't assume that our buddy was bothered by the world if he wasn't talking. There's a cliche of the "strong silent type" in maledom that appeals to us. He doesn't have to say much. But women need companionship from their husbands and to them talking is a very big part of it. It doesn't have to be deep conversation, it doesn't have to be conversation that has a purpose such as solving a problem or weeding out solutions or political analysis. It's an act of involvement to talk about things and it's something we tend to forget.

This leads down a slippery slope. If a concern is raised over a conversation, such as the above mentioned car issue, men tend to brush it off as not being a big deal. We tend to think, "well, she'll get over it; it ain't no thang." But to a woman, this is indeed a big deal. There's a problem and it's not being talked about. It is, in fact being avoided by the man. While we think discussing it is "blowing it out of proportion" or "making a big deal," they see it as something healthy, as discourse leading to getting the problem out of the way.

We just don't see it as a problem, and that is a tough bridge to cross.

Here are some ways that you can side-step these pitfalls in everyday life and in the middle of arguments. They are not tricks, but movements of empathy that should be made with absolute sincerity:

• Ask her how her day was when you (or she) gets home. We tend to feel welcome to bitch, complain, or gloat over our day; women see the invitation as a note of interest and a welcome one.
• Be willing to talk things out. We tend to feel that if things keep needing to be talked about, there is a problem. Women feel if we can talk things out, there are no problems. Be calm, collected, and don't lose your temper in what can often feel accusatory.
• Verbally notice her. She change her hair? New shoes? Clean the kitchen? Don't just note these things mentally. That's what we do when we're at work or with our friends, but our wife is not our job or our friend. Verbally pointing out observations is caring.
• Don't use exclusive language. Don't say "I'm going to bed early tonight." Or "I want to go for a drive." Instead, make these things sound like invitations. "Do you want to," or "What do you think about," work much better. We feel free to invite ourselves no matter what the language. But it's these little nuances that women notice in groups of other women and are trained to notice in our words.
• Don't be quiet for too long. It sounds stupid to us at times, but just say something if you notice things have been quiet. Car rides seems especially dangerous for this. We feel like proximity means closeness, but this often isn't the case for women. For many women a lot of the time, the conversation means time spent together, not the placement of your bodies.
• In an argument, don't say "You're acting crazy." Don't say anything that suggests that they have no ownership of the feelings they're going through. Regardless if she is reading the situation wrong or not, she has legitimate feelings. Recognize and understand what they are and where they are coming from.
• Empathize during arguments. Don't just defend your point of view. And don't belittle her. Take a moment to step back and really try and see how she sees things. You could be wrong about what she feels is the problem. This is very often true, and you can spend hours arguing about different subjects. So take a moment to clarify what you think you're fighting about. Paraphrase, in your own words, why you think she's upset. Reach her on that level and get it right--with coaching if needed. Then, invite her to see things your way. You are not the same people and you have divergent takes on the same situation. Often, all that is needed is an understanding of the contrary point of view to make things better.

Of course, this is all generalizing. I don't want readers to think that I'm being unfair or demeaning of either sex. Growing up in different social situations with different social expectations has made us talk in different ways. Remember that your wife is not trying to communicate like a man but failing--she's trying to talk to you in the way that she knows how. That can be very strange for us, believe me.

Most of all, talk about conversations. Talk about talking. There's nothing wrong with trying to grasp the other point of view, not matter what the situation.

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Welcome to the Men's Guide to Women Carnival!

Welcome readers of the Carnival of Tips!

10 Rules for being a Role Model as a Parent

I've talked a little about this before, but the importance can't be overlooked. In a society where we are exposed to 3000 commercials a day, where textbooks are increasingly being produced by corporations, where the American Dream is a consumer-driven fantasy put into our minds by and nurtured by commercial interests, our role as exemplar for our children is as important as ever. Not only that, but as role models, we are constantly being watched. Our children never look away from how we act, what we say, or who we are. Here are some things to keep in mind and keep us focused on the most important role of our lives. Though you probably adhere to (most of) them already, there are plenty of dads out there who forget them all the time.

1. Be Polite
I never saw--not even once--my dad be rude to a waiter or waitress. No matter how bad the food got, how long the wait, how rude the wait staff was, or if the table next to us got their food before we did even though they got there later, he never ever lost his temper. I never thought anything of it, honestly, until I was out to dinner with a friend and saw his dad blow his top left and right at the poor little girl waiting on us. When I talked to my friend about it, he said, "Oh yeah, he does that all the time. But we do get really bad service all the time, too." But the service wasn't bad. Not at all. This friend of mine had a skewed idea of what service was supposed to be because his dad constantly chose to be a jackass in front of the world. I could never see taking a waiter or waitress to task in front of my kids (or any other time really). This goes for just about every other relationship you have with people in public, especially in font of your kids.

2. Be clean
This one is really hard for me. I am going to have a hard time convincing my kids to clean their room when my room is piled with baskets of laundry that still need to be put away. I've always had issues with being able to keep things clean. But if you take a trip to my parent's house, you'll probably see why. Most of the time it's not ready for visitors, either. While I'm trying to get better, there is one thing I've managed to do: be sanitary. If things aren't always tidy and put away, things are at least clean. I never wear dirty clothes, even if I do pull them out of a pile in the morning.

3. Be compassionate
It's important for us to show our kids that there are more people in the world than just us. While I do put my family first, it's important to show our kids that we don't live in a vacuum. Every couple months, we cull our clothes and the toys in our house. If there are clothes that we haven't worn in those two months and toys that they just don't play with, we pick them up and donate them. It decreases clutter, and it helps others out.

4. Be curious and support curiosity
The Constructivist teaching philosophy tells us that learning doesn't work like a one-way street. The enlightened no longer think of a classroom as a place where one person preaches the gospel and the students sit and absorb it like a sponge. Instead we see teacher and student at co-learners, approaching subjects together and creating meaning out of them. The same is true for your relationships to your kids. Show them that it's okay to wonder about things and encourage them to wonder. If they want to know what creates the wind, first ask them what they think is the cause. And, if you don't know, don't try to get off easy; look it up and explain it as best you can.

5. Don't be violent
Don't show your kids that violence is an option. Yes, there are wars in the world. Try your best to explain wars in the best way you know how. Maybe they're not the best way to go about things, but there are underlying intentions that can be explained. But it should never, ever, be an option in your household to resort to violence. You don't get physical with your spouse, ever. It's not fair, it's not cool, and it's criminal. And trust me, your kids will go on to repeat the same things.

6. Don't be a Drunk
There's no reason to give tacit approval to drunkenness. Even if it's something that you saw your dad doing, there's no reason to pass that on. Don't let them think it's okay to put your guard down and accept loss of your judgment. And never, ever, use "I was drunk" as an excuse for something. That brings us to:

7. Accept Responsibility
Don't let your kids see you making excuses. If you say or do something and it was wrong, fess up. Be a stand-up person. Life can be hard and we can all be wrong. Being wrong, your kids should see, isn't a fault. But accepting responsibility and learning from your mistake is the highest attribute.

8. Don't place blame
Nothing good comes out of pointing out who's fault it was that the dryer didn't turn on, or that you were late to the movie, or that the lid wasn't on the salt. Don't show them a petty way to belittle family members by nit-picking who-did-what-when. Deal with it like a leader.

9. Read
If you read to your kids, that's great. You should do it every day. If your kids see you pick up a book and read for your own pleasure, that's great, too. They should see that reading is an engaging activity all by itself. If you don't read now, pick up a book and start. Become a reader and ever facet of your life will be improved. If you don' know what to read, I have some good suggestions.

10. Have fun
I know plenty of grown people who don't know how to have fun. Even worse, I know lots of kids who take things too seriously to have fun. Show your kids that having fun is good. Show them different ways to have fun every day of your life. It's an important skill that has to be practiced.

All of these are great. Some of them are easier than others for me. I have it easy, though. When in doubt, I think "What would my dad do?" With any luck, my kids will be able to think the same thing when they are parents.

5 Reasons to Simplify Your Life

Welcome Carnival of Happiness and Meaning readers!

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There are a million reasons to simplify your life. If you're new to fatherhood or if you've been around for a while, you've probably discovered that there aren't enough hours in the day to fit in all of your responsibilities and to take care of your family. Simplifying your life is a step to reclaiming the time of your days and showing your kids an impeccable way to live their lives. As we venture down this road, it is important to clarify reasons why we should. The following 5 reasons should help us scratch the surface.

1. Overwhelming amounts of media excert too much control over how we relate to our families.
Media, like advertising, would have us believe that the role of father does not include taking care of family. When advertisers direct marketing at men, they generally portray men who are unattached, with their friends, or at work scoring a big pitch in the boardroom. There is almost no room in advertisments for men to be with their families. This only happens in ads that are aimed at women, usually shown during daytime TV and in Women's magazines.

There are reasons for this. Advertisers think that men, in general, have a greater need for autonomy in a relationship than women do. The idea is that once a man is in a family, he will feel stifled and trapped by his identity as father, though empowered by his ability to provide for the family. And, as in so many other cases in our lives, the products want to prey on that assumed emotional relationship. The ads want us to forge a relationship with that product that will be fulfilling for us, melded intricatley with our unspoken desires to run away from our family. They, in fact, are hoping that the product will represent an escape for us.

Commeradarie, power, acceptance, and independence are the emotions that these products will use to get under our hoods and make a sale. What Miller beer hopes is not that you'll see their ad as a logical argument and say, "Hey, awesome, I'll go out and make a purchase of some Miller Beer." What they hope is that you will be with your friends, enjoying company, and someone will say, "It's 'Miller Time.'" When that happens, the advertisers have found their way in. They have melded with you on a pre-rational level and whatever they paid for that 30-second commercial has now bought them more air-time--but this is air-time in your life. They bought a moment of your life without paying for it. Someone sold it to them without asking your permission.

(This happens again when your daughter puts on the high-heeled shoes and smears lipstick on, trapsing about the room so clumisly but with a serious air of adulthood. Then, someone says, "Wow, what a Kodak moment!" For me, the moment is always ruined once it has been sold to a corporation, but hey, that's just me. )

So we find ourselves living in a society where the primary role of fatherhood is that of breadwinner, working for the weekend when we can finally take off our shackles and hang out with the bros. However, we students striving to be Badass Dads know that our role doesn't end there. There's cooking, cleaning, story-time, play-time, museums, playgrounds, music, bright sunny days out there that we want to share with our children. Stepping away from media entertainment can only help out our sanity. We want to step away from societal expectations and forge lives that we can be proud of at the end of the day.

2. You don't have enough money to buy it all.
If you are anything like me, you live paycheck to paycheck. Congratulations if you don't, but that doesn't mean that you can't stand to save a little more. The pace of our lives is really absurd when you sit around and think about it. Of course, they'd rather have us not think about it so that we remain resigned to a life of chasing the star of consumerism. But as consumers, we are constantly told that whatever it is that we have, it just isn't enough. Or, it at least isn't good enough. We are asked to forge relationships with products rather than people (such as a Civic ad that suggests that the car will never say, "it's not you, it's me"). But products are made to give out, to be unreliable, and to be replaceable. Cutting back on what you buy can make you realize that you are not what you own. You can derive meaning in life without buying things all the time.

3. The Environment
I know it might sound ignorant of me, but this is the reason for simplification that took me the longest time to come around to. For whatever reason, I've always felt like anything pertaining to global warming and all of that was nothing but hippie nonesense and alarmist jaberwocky. But I look at the problems in this world that could be solved if our parents had built a more renewable infastructure, and I see that I have a responsiblity to make things a little easier for my kids. Getting rid of a car, bussing to work, recycling, buying local, not using products that are made by known abusers of the environment, composting, growing your own food, and so many other things are in your individual power to take control of. And, they generally save you money, make you less of a "consumer" and make you healthier.

4. Better relationships.
Having products and brands being the bond between you and your loved ones is shameful. Yet, we do this all the time. Just a few years ago, having a cell phone was too expensive for most people. Now, it has been normalized and everyone thinks that they have to have one. But something that cell phones do is destroy conversations. "What's that you say? Destroy conversations? But they're about conversing, right?" No, cell phones are not about conversing. Like so much of "the information age," informaion has been boiled down to its basest forms. The accessiblity of cell phones and text messages make it possible for us to send quickly digestible snippets of information to each other at any time of the day, not matter where we are.

So what ends up happening to most of us is, we talk to our wives on the way to and from work. We talk to them when we are in the store. Something interesting happens, we text our brothers. We have a quick question, we can get a hold of our dads for a quick answer. But then, the next time we see our brothers, our dads, or our wives, we have nothing new to talk about. The information has been exchanged already, in quickly consumable tidbits. Why not sit down and talk when you get home from work? Why not save that question for your dad for the next time you see him, or sit down in your livingroom to have a phone conversation with him? Why not keep that interesting story under your hat for the next time you have a drink with your brother?

5. It's healthier
I struggle with my weight. And my life is by no means perfectly simple. But I know that if I make my own foods from scratch, ride my bike to work, and build a fort in the backyard for my daughters instead of buying them a new Xbox, I'll be better off. Don't get me started about our idea to build our own house (check out the badass bookstore for books on the subject). I'll feel better, be healthier, and set a better example for my children.

Bonus. Personal Satisfaction
There's a reward that comes with doing things yourself. Food tastes better when you make it yourself. The days are longer without TV to drag you down. You're more at ease if you know that no one can reach you via cell phone when you're at the store or on your way home. You enjoy time better with your friends and family if you haven't been constantly brought up to date about their lives through texting. Ultimatley, your quality of life will be improved.

The Breastfeeding Father

We’ve got it easy. Pigeon and dove fathers produce crop milk; a substance with more fat and protein than human or cow milk. The father feeds it to the baby through regurgitation. Later on, the father chews up seeds, worms, and insects, mixes the bolus with the milk and feeds the rather eccentric smoothie to the baby. Protecting his young consumes whatever energies the father has left after this draining feeding process.

As much as I love my daughter (or, perhaps, because I do), I shudder at the thought of chewing up food, mixing it with a special bile, and regurgitating it into her mouth. I’m glad it’s not the role of the human father; but, if it were the most effective and nutritious way of feeding my children, I’d do it.

Although the process might not be so involved, I think that human fathers have just as vital a role in breastfeeding as do these avian fathers. Most people see breastfeeding as something that exists between a mother and her child; but I see it as something that involves the entire family. The breastfeeding father plays a crucial role in the life of their child.

When my wife became pregnant, we agreed to try breastfeeding. The first thing we learned about it is best summed up by Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back (though, I believe, he was discussing a different subject): “Do or do not. There is no try.” Breastfeeding was the most difficult task that we could imagine undertaking. Several times more difficult than the birth.

Breastfeeding is not so difficult for everyone. We just had the fortune to encounter almost every imaginable problem that a breastfeeding family can be faced with. Mastitis, plugged ducts, engorgement, thrush—every week it was a new obstacle to overcome. We read books on breastfeeding cover-to-cover, we talked to doctors, lactation consultants, La Leche League members, we read textbooks on the subject, scoured the internet—we did everything we could to get the feeding on the road. I made midnight trips to drugstores looking for nipple shields (to help with overactive letdown); read up on and bought the most economically effective breast pump (to help with engorgement); I bought a mixed grill of breast pads, ointments, balms, lanolin, Soothies, and many more products that required me to mention the condition of my wife’s breasts to the bashful faces of pharmacists all over the city. It was a solid six weeks until breastfeeding was a consistently comfortable process for mother and child.

All along, I had to be the foundation. I had to be the stable one. I wasn’t allowed to breakdown in tears or give up, or reach for one of the ubiquitous canisters of formula lying in various places around the house—the ones that are mailed to you everyday just from giving your address to one single maternity store. All it would have taken to make the whole project come crashing down would be a small chink in my armor. One moment of hesitation, and I could negatively affect my wife’s post-partum, tired, and fed-up will to do the best thing for our baby.

Many fathers feel that they have to feed their child with a bottle in order to bond with them. I don’t understand that. My presence and assistance during the initial weeks of breastfeeding brought me closer to mother and child than I ever thought possible. Not only that, but it was actually an advantage that I had no way of feeding the baby—and it remains so.

She never looks to me for nursing. When she is in my arms, she knows that comfort is going to have to come from somewhere other than a boob. This makes it much easier for me to put her to sleep at night. Babies tend to respond to the tenor of a calm father’s voice in a much more soothing manor than the alto or soprano mother. And without the option of a breast, she is much more ready to take alternative forms of comfort.

In the first 12 months of breastfeeding our child, there were other, more social challenges to overcome. I always say that if you’ve met my wife, and stuck around for a little while, you’ve seen her boobs. Her breasts (which weathered the journey from almost B to DD very well) are no longer for my eyes only. They’ve made appearances at restaurants, malls, Disneyland, and sidewalks everywhere.

When we moved to Ausin, we found it to be a very breastfeeding-friendly place. For the first nine months, we were living in Waco. There was a tendency there to treat a mother breastfeeding in public as a spectacle, a disgrace, or a peepshow. In Austin, people treat her like a human. They talk to her without staring, and if they look away, they don’t do it as if they’ve just seen something revolting.

We couldn’t be happier with breastfeeding. Our daughters rarely catch cold. They haven't had any ear infections, constipation, or colic. I can’t begin to calculate all the money we’ve saved. Those free bottles that you get in the mail are just to get you hooked. Later, it turns out, you have to pay for them. The formula companies act like they’re run by school-yard drug dealers.

But the challenges keep coming. When our first daughter was six months old, we found out that we were pregnant again (note, breastfeeding is not an effective means of birth control). Nursing through a pregnancy was the hardest challenge we had faced. Many people, including doctors and nurses, still believe the old wives’ tale that you can’t nurse through a pregnancy. It’s hard to. It’s painful. There’s less milk. But it can, and should be done.

Tandem nursing was even more of a challenge. There's not a lot written about the subject, and while that is a separate post altogether, it's worth noting that we did it. Together. The reward of seeing the two girls together, stroking each other's heads while nursing was enough to keep things going. After a long two years, though, the nursing stopped. The girls didn't ask for it at bedtime a few nights in a row. And, finally, when they did ask, there was no more to give.

After a few deep breathes, and the first bra that my wife has worn in almost four years that didn't have little plastic quick-release tabs, we're ready to face the unknown again. Every baby feeds differently, and who knows how difficult this next one will be?

Back to the Carnival of Breastfeeding.