Marketing TV to Children

There's a channel called Sprout on many cable services now. There's also the ironically-named channel called Noggin. These are channels that are aimed at 0-2 year olds. The companies that run the channels are really biting the bullet for you here--there are no commercial interruptions on these channels. Just 24 hours a day of television for your baby. This is good, right?

If you read this blog at all, you know what my stance is going to be.

Doctors have told us time and time again that children under 2 should watch zero hours of TV a day. That's zero. Why is this? What's so evil about a channel that is benevolent enough to provide you with kids shows free of commercials?

The medium of TV is unique. The two-dimensional world of television is disorienting to our bodies. Whenever there is what is called a "formal feature," such as a cut, zoom, edit, wipe, whatever, our bodies respond with a particular adrenal reaction. It's called the orienting response. As predators, strange movements like those catch our attention. And in order to react to being disoriented, our blood pressure drops, giving us a moment of calm that last from 4-6 seconds. Yes, this is an exceptionally mild, hardly noticeable to the mind, unless they were to come in huge doses.

During most TV shows, these features occur every--you guessed it--4-6 seconds. During commercials and music videos, they come every second.

Your body knows this. This is why it's relaxing to watch TV. The content of a show itself is not relaxing, otherwise we'd be watching landscapes with ambient music. But as we follow Jack (from 24 or Lost) through a weekly tribulation, we get a dose of Soma.

When your baby sits watching Elmo or Dora and seems to be concentrating or at ease, it's not because they are learning or relaxing. It's because they are mesmerized by the most prevalent drug in history, getting dose after dose from their own bodies courtesy of the TV.

You may wonder why Johnny and Jill seem to be having a problem concentrating in school several years from now.

But we still haven't answered the question of what the channels get out of this. First of all, of course, they are selling products to these 0-2 year olds. They are selling them Dora and Elmo licensed products. And though they may not buy them themselves, and though they may even be too young to nag in many cases, their parents buy them for them. They know that their little Johnny is enthralled with Elmo's World and that the Spanglish-speaking little imp is empowering Jill by exploring.

Second, and perhaps more disturbingly, they're selling them TV. They're creating TV watchers out of them from birth. Since the late 70s, marketing companies have focused their larger clients with the strategy of "cradle-to-grave marketing" (their name for it, not mine). They know that if they can land them young, they'll be consumers all their lives. Then they can rest easy under a Dora tombstone.

When you stop watching TV, you no longer get the relaxation effects leave your body. However, this leaves you jittery and anxious. That's because while the relaxation leaves, but you are left with passivity and lethargy. Anyone who's ever been addicted knows that you don't want that kind of let-down. They know that kids will keep watching, just to stay sane.

Having your children sit forever in front of TV may seem easy. And I understand the impulse to watch hours of TV after a long day. But there has never been a force more damaging to imagination and creativity. Be a badass--turn it off.

Related:
Giving Up TV
10 Ways to Tame TV
10 Alternative to Conventional TV

Changes

The other day I was driving from Houston to Austin and I got a call from an old friend of mine. I've known her for as long as we've both been alive and she became a mom shortly after I became a dad. We were talking about potty training--the ups and downs of the whole thing--and, specifically, we were talking about cleaning out the tiny potty after, well, number two.

I broke into my own conversation, which was in a very descriptive stage, to point out that all the years we've known each other, the subject of cleaning crap out of a plastic receptacle had never really come up before; things had changed a lot in the past couple years. It was a mildly interesting interjection.

I remember when I was really young hearing my grandma say that nothing in this world is constant but change. While I feel that change is constant, the rate of change is fluctuating. If I think about the changes that occurred in my life from ages 15-17, it can't begin to compare to the changes in my life from ages 25-27.

It's like plate tectonics. Pressure and tension build up over time and then WHAM, an earthquake slaps the surface. And now, watching my daughters grow up is like having massive aftershocks every single day. They are expressions of flux, every day growing and learning. They learn more in a single day than I can take in during a semester of graduate school.

Without a doubt the biggest moment of change in my life was when my first daughter was born. It was a palpable feeling; probably something like dying would be. Seriously. Or maybe like being born, myself. I felt like I fell apart and was something else entirely. As much as I've tried to write about that moment over and over in my life, I've never found the right words. I've never come close, and I really don't expect to any more.

The earthquake of that moment is still being felt. In a single instant, priorities shifted forever, concerns toppled, things were put into focus and others taken out of focus, the world that I lived in seems silly and trifling now, and the world now seems multilayered--stratified with superficial concerns on the bottom, ideas of consumerism waddling in the muck going up to petty concerns about money, and the lightest layers floating on top; the joy and mystery of life, the feeling of a baby falling asleep on your chest.

I think it's a shame that some people are able to overcome the power of that change. Some people are able to go back to their old concerns and priorities. Maybe they've just been rooted in them for so long. Maybe they feel that there is time in their lives for everything.

The world is at once infinite and temporary to me, these days. I think it's important to take a moment now and then, see where we've been, and take note of where we are. Where are my priorities today? Have I put them in the right place, or have I fallen into really old habits again? How can I help guide the change that will happen today, push it in a positive direction for my kids? Yes, it's just one day. The world they make today, they will change tomorrow, so every single step counts.

10 Activities for Toddlers on a Rainy Day

We spend a lot of time outside. For at least a few hours every afternoon, we go outside and play, either on the playground in the backyard, or ride trikes, or play with the neighborhood kids. This is addition to going on walks or feeding the ducks at the pond down the street.

The burden of spending lots of time outside is felt when the weather isn't cooperative. We don't live where it snows, and though we get a lot of rain here, it comes on a comparatively small number of days a year. If they're used to being able to run around and cut loose everyday, a couple days without it can lead to pent-up energies that can result in high octane arguments and first rate fighting. It's no fun, for anyone.

So we've spent a lot of time trying to navigate these inside times. We have a mix between old standbys and new favorites. Play around with some of these and see what works for you.

1. Playing Rice
This is one of my wife's inventions. On the kids craft table, she sets out buckets, funnels, measuring cups, spoons, and bowls. Then she fills the buckets with rice (dry, obviously, as cooked rice would have some pretty frustrating results when poured through a funnel). The kids are happy to "play rice" for up to two hours at a time. Two hours! This is a great time to clean the kitchen or read a book. You could probably also play beans, or play macaronis, or something.

2. Play dough
This is an obvious one. Play dough, or any comparable knock-off, is cheap and versatile. They really bank on you buying a lot of accessories for playing with the stuff, which you really don't have to. Household utensils work wonders with the stuff. And, if you really want to get affordable, with a little bit older kids, it's easy to find a recipe and make the stuff. They get a kick out of it. Plus, you can find recipes that harden in the oven for painting. Great for the holidays. That brings us to...

3. Painting
Watercolors are fine, and washable paint is okay. But, really, any acrylic craft paint can be washed off if caught in a relatively short period of time, and the colors are so much more bright and vivid.

4. Shaving Cream Paintings
If your kids get sick of the regular old painting, or if they like finger painting, then this is a great activity. Mix shaving cream in a bowl with the desired food coloring. Then, they can spread the colored fluff all over a page to make intricate designs that bleed into each other. Fun.

5. Shaving Cream Cleaning
Shaving cream does a great job of cleaning surfaces like tables and counter tops. Let the kids spread it all over the place, and when it is wiped off, the table is shiny clean. Pretty awesome to have fun and clean.

6. Build a Fort
The only drawback of turning the couch or the beds into a fortress is how often they'll want to do it in the coming days. Having small, cozy places to hide and stay is wonderfully comforting to a toddler. It may serve as inspiration to make a cozy reading nook in their room.

7. Throw a Party
This can be especially fun if you know that the next day is going to be unpleasant and you want to turn the tides by setting up a morning surprise. Put up streamers, hang balloons, bake a cake, play dance music, set up simple games like pin the tail on the donkey.

8. Music Time
Getting the family together to sing is engaging and very good for child development. If you're not musically inclined, look at it as an opportunity to learn along with your child. Get a used guitar, buy a book, and learn some children's songs.

9. Dress-up
We have a dress-up trunk in our kids' closet. It's full of old clothes, aprons, sunglasses, Halloween costumes, and the like. It's great to pull out on rainy days.

10. Bake something
Making bread, muffins, biscuits, or cakes can be a lot of fun for kids, especially if they know they're going to get to eat them later. This may be better for older kids, and it is best if you can find different responsibilities for the kids to be in charge of in the process.

When seen as an opportunity to break from routine, enhance artistic skills, and spend some family together time, bad weather can be a good thing. If you have some other activities that get you through a rainy-day schedule, please post them below.

Potty Party Part II: The Outcome

Last week, I reported the details of my family's desperate plan to potty train our kids, the potty party. As a quick recap, the plan was to throw a day-long party to celebrate the absence of diapers in our home. The idea was that by forcing them to come up with non-diapered means of expulsion through a positive theme, we would circumnavigate all the hurt feelings and frustration that we've been experiencing over the whole idea.

The whole day was a wash. I mean, we had fun, but there was no notion of household productivity. The decorations were hung, the cake was made, and just to throw a harpoon in the whale of the notion of diet, we had homemade chocolate chip buscuits for breakfast and brought in pizza for dinner. The day was shamefully full of movie watching, and the yard rested quietly outside, escaping even the slightest effort of mantanence that I might have considered appropriate on a regular Saturday. But the pottys were set up and waiting, and that's what mattered.

It worked--mostly.

We now stand at a new and exciting ratio of potty users in the famiy; our older daughter has not worn a diaper since Friday, and it is now Wednesday. To top that off, she hasn't had even a single accident.

All we had to do was weather the first excruciating half of Potty Party Day (as it will hence be refered). She screamed. She begged. She ran in circles. She wanted a bath (presumably to be used as a covert urinal) and argued that her dirty fingernails demanded bathtime attentions. All the while, her little sister sat happily on her potty--holding everything in for all it was worth.

We almost caved at least once every hour.

And finally, at noon, she could hold back no longer. She sat on her little potty, positioned comfortably in the living room, squeezing my hand in terror. Then, finally, she looked at me and said, "Daddy, don't be happy." I assured her I wouldn't be.

"Daddy," she said, "Don't be proud." Again, pride was far from my demenor.

"Daddy," she begged, "Don't clap and say 'yay.'" And I told her I wouldn't.

"I pee-peed."

The chear that I let out instantly broke all of those forced promises, but she cheered, too. She wanted to call her grandparents. She wanted the world to know. And she pull on her panties with what can only be described as glee.

Ever since then, she has, perhaps, over-pottied. She takes such pride that if she's not fully occupied, she will choose to practice her art.

For whatever reason, our younger daughter just wasn't ready. She begrudgingly returned to diapers. Despite sitting on the potty, she just won't go in it. Her big sister is trying to teach her, with limited success. We'll try again, soon, to get her to go cold turkey like her sister, but, heck, she is a year younger.

So, if you're stuck with an older kid in diapers, the Potty Party just might be for you.

Potty Party may lead to Pity Party

My daughters are ages 2 and 3. They are bright young girls with vocabulary skills that really blow my mind from time to time. And while every parent takes pride in the developmental milestones of their children, there's one that I'm just plain vexed by. That damn potty training.

To be honest, I feared it for long before I ever had kids. I have an abnormal memory, as far as I can tell, remembering many mundane events that happened before my second birthday. I remember the frusteration of not being able to communicate and I remember the dread and despair of potty training. Why in the world would my Mom insist that I try using a potty when the diaper thing was working out just fine? Well, probably because she was six months pregnant and didn't want to have two kids in diapers.

Man, do I understand that now. Our older daughter has been ready to use the potty for at least a year. She can tell you when she is planning on going pee (especially a pleasure in public) and she sequesters herself when she has to do any more than pee. Then, she gives you a report about her estimated size of the delivery.

It's heartbreaking.

And we don't know why she hates the potty so. We're sick of hearing people's advice on the subject because there just isn't any correlation between her and a potty-using child; there's no common ground on which to compare them. She just won't sit on the damn thing. Not for reward or punishment (though, I suppose, we stopped short of any kind of punishment, and maybe a taser would work wonders).

Our second daughter is on her way down the same path. She did like to sit on the potty, though there was never any positive outcome, as she would then stand up to pee. But watching and imitating her sister is the subject that she has most mastered and she can tell that this potty thing must be some kind of trick, trap, or otherwise undesirable type of monster. S she now refuses to sit.

I think this is about control. I think this is about power.

We're very read-up on the subject. We haven't taken this lightly, and all the advice we have heard and read about has been tried. But still, we can't get over the idea that they have mastered their digetive tracks well enough to do it and that we don't want to cause them any lasting emotional trauma.

With all of this in mind, we are going to try one more time.

The Potty Party. It's our last hope. After this doesn't work, I'm going to wait until they go to college and let the dean of student activities deal with the situation.

Tomorrow morning, they will wake up to a near-Christmas caliber event. Wrapped, new potties, one for each. Soli's favorite color is pink, and Luna's oscillates between blue and green. We will rid them of their diapers under the majesty of streemers and balloons. Their brand new baby dolls (today's payday, in case you didn't catch this expensive trend) will have to be potty trained. The girls will delight in this, of course, as they understand the wonderment of potting even though they haven't indulged.

Then, they will have to put things into action for themselves. There will be fancy, cute, panties at their call standing by for wearing. And there will be cake baking, should they make the big score.

It's silly. And, honestly, I don't want such a party every time I go potty (though a little more fanfare would be nice). And I just don't know if it will work. But I'm sick of diapers. I'm sick of feeling like I can't do it. In many ways, this mirrors the frustration that I had when I potty trained, only now I'm having it from the other side.

So wish us luck, because we'll be want for it. And I'll let you know after the weekend if I recommend your own potty party, or if it was a bust.

In the meantime, please enjoy an on-topic video:

9 Ways to be more Productive

Yesterday I had a pretty embarrassing moment of consumer-culture thinking. My neighbor is getting a lot of yard work done and workers were tearing out the old brick on his walkway. I asked the workers what they were planning to do with the old brick, and they said they were going to throw it out.

Naturally, I couldn't see all those tons of brick going to waste while our back patio is rotting to pieces, so with their permission, I started to haul it away. I had on my leather work gloves which haven't been used in years and was bent over throwing the dirty bricks into a wheelbarrow. The smell of the dirt, gloves, and barrow suddenly reminded me of something. I thought to myself, "Wow, this smells just like a home and garden store."

My next thought was, "Man, have I gotten soft."

And later on, after all the bricks were moved, I noted to myself that I haven't been so sore since the last time I went to the gym--which was a long time ago. Too much of my life, I realized, is built around consumerism. If I'm going to lift weights at the gym, I may as well stay home and get some yard work done. Or build a playhouse, ride a bike, fix my fence. And, by God, a home and garden store ought to remind me of working in my home and garden and not the other way around!

I want to set some goals for myself that I can follow to make my life more productive and less driven by consumer culture. Following the idea of making small, measurable goals, I'm focusing on what I can do this week to set new standards for myself. Here's the list:

1. Eat Only at Home
This may be easy for a lot of people out there, but it has always been a pain for me. Through a series of financial ups and downs in my childhood, I have come to associate eating at home with stress and eating out with celebration. And when things get stressful for me now, I want to go out to eat to alleviate it. Being aware of this pattern is not enough to change it for me. So I will think day-to-day that I will have less guilt if I just eat at home.

2. Make food from Scratch
In the past, I've made the resolution to eat at home and then done something that I feel is just as bad--eat half-homemade foods. But so far this new year, I have made myself proud. I don't eat out of a box or out of a can (unless I'm using canned ingredients for something that's out of season). In fact, I haven't even bought a loaf of bread in almost three months. Instead I bake all of my bread from scratch. It tastes better and costs about 25 cents a loaf. And no, I don't have a bread machine. You don't need a bread machine to make bread at home. And you feel good about yourself when you can take something so basic, do it yourself, and have it be better. It goes from being empty filler to being something substantial.

3. Find a new way to get to work
Biking to work is an impossibility for some people. That is unfortunate. We actually bought our house with this in mind. Actually, we even moved to this town with this in mind. When I ride my bike to work, I don't stress about traffic, and though it takes a little longer, I arrive at work or at home feeling better. If you can't bike to work where you live, perhaps you can take a bus, a train, or walk.

4. Walk to the park with the kids
Where we live we're in walking distance of several parks with playgrounds. Taking a walk with the kids to one of these parks has the dual effect of getting exercise for me and wearing out the kids. It's amazing, but over half of Americans get no exercise every day. Absolutely none. When I was younger, I never would have thought of walking as exercise, but now, sure, it's more than I usually do.

5. Make a Garden
If you don't have one yet, make one now. We have a pretty big yard and get lots of rain. There's plenty of space to start growing our own food. I've never been all that fond of vegetables, but it's about time I changed my mind about that. I think that growing my own will make the whole process feel more rewarding, much like the bread making. If you don't live in a situation where you can have a garden, there is the possibility of a community garden.

6. Build Something
I don't know what I'm going to do with those bricks. I can make the new patio with it and save money, or I could see it as a gift and make a barbecue pit. Again, lifting weights is great for getting into shape, but wouldn't it be more interesting

7. Donate Stuff
It's that time again. Every so often it's a good idea to get rid of unplayed with toys and unworn clothes. My house has the tendency to fill with clutter and I just don't know how it does it. But I know the cure. Not too long ago, we sold 20 boxes of books to a used book store. It was nice to get rid of all the books we won't read again and know that they can move on to people who haven't read them.

8. Volunteer
There's a community beautification project this Saturday. Or, Habitat for Humanity is building about 15 miles away and still needs people. Next week, my wife can lead a workshop about self-esteem for preteen girls. There are tons of volunteer options out there and we don't take advantage nearly enough.

9. Make a Date with the Wife
My wife and I spend a lot of time together, but it is always family time. There's nothing wrong with that, but I do feel like it's important to nurture the one-on-one relationship. Maybe my sister will play with the girls while we go out. Or maybe we'll put the girls to bed on Friday and instate a no computer, no tv, no books night. We could play board games, work on a project together, or have *ahem* other kinds of fun. Anyway, we won't waste our night and we'll be taking time for each other.

***

It's important to take time and make it useful. So much of our time gets wasted and we feel like it's taken from us. Focus your energy, focus your time, and the resulting productivity will resonate throughout your life.

The Sex Talk

A recent trip to visit our folks resulted in my three-year-old wondering where babies come from. Something had to spawn it sooner or later, and it is probably fortuitous considering all the talk there's been around here lately about a third baby. All the same, it was somewhat unexpected and really, there was no real strategy in place. Here's how it went:

Solstice (that's daughter number one) was looking at pictures of me when I was her age. This is something that grandparents love to thrill grandkids with. This information, about me being her age at one time in the universe, got her to thinking. Finally, while in the car, she quizzed her mother on the situation. "Mommy," she said, "do you remember when Daddy was a little boy?"

She answered truthfully that she didn't, but that she met me much later. This led to a series of questions getting at the heart of the whole issue. Finally, my wife told her that we had met, fallen in love, and gotten married. "Was I there?" she asked.

My wife did her best to explain that, no, she wasn't there, that it was before she was born, before she was a baby. But that we decided to have a baby. "You went to the store?" Well, no, we didn't go to the store. She explained to Solstice that Daddy put her in Mommy's stomach so that she could grow in there.

And now, Solstice had fully grasped the situation. "Oh," she said conclusively, "He used his magic wand."

Hmm. Not exactly. But the resultant laughing was enough to end the conversation without any of the more explicit details.

So what do we do about the whole "sex talk" thing? I've read a few things lately by people in the field who say that around age 8 is the right time. But by the time my 3 year old is 8, will it be too late? And if she's this curious right now, how do we put things off further? We can't really have her telling people in public that her new sibling was put into her mommy's tummy by daddy's magic wand! That would be considerable more disturbing for those listening to this astonishing fact than the gory truth of the thing.

As for me, I cannot remember not knowing. It's not due to any lack of memory as I remember my 2nd birthday. But I'm sure at that age I didn't have a lot of wonder about the subject. I imagine that it has more to due with the fact that my mom was a childbirth teacher and somewhat of a hippie. I don't remember a single time that "the talk" was delivered to me, but many instances of simple explanation that I mainly shied away from.

Conversely, there are many friends of mine who say that their parents never told them. They had to find out friends and their varying sources of reliability. I think this is mainly a selfish point of view in parenting, where the parent hopes to avoid a conversation that will feel awkward.

I wonder how our generation will handle this one. There are lots of books that explain this with illustrations and the like, but I don't know if I really want to read the book with the cartoon penis in it every night before bed. While, yes, at this point in my parenting life I hope that my girls never have any interests in boys, I know this can't ultimately be the case. And unlike people, like our dear president, who think that sex education should be about how to avoid sex, I think it should be about education. And with the curious minds I already have in tow, I don't believe in holding back truths from a mind seeking to learn something.

I am curious to know how the more experienced parents handled this and how the others plan on handling it. I don't think that by any means this is the defining issue of our children's lives, and I think that most of the drama is parent-induced. Nevertheless, all discourse is helpful.

Not Willing to Give Up TV? 10 Ways to Tame it.

I’ve had a lot of response for my post, Giving up TV. In fact, on a normal day, the “hits” on that post register about 100 times more than hits on any other post. What’s the deal with that? Are we so fascinated by the idea that we actually can live without TV that it deserves to be met with such curiosity and excitement? Are there really people out there who haven’t thought about giving up their TV addiction? I don’t pretend to know the answers, but as long as I have the attention of a pretty large number of people, I want to encourage this movement away from media-dependence. You’ve probably noticed how pervasive the TV is.

With the TV on in our houses, our day is not our own. We make our schedules around it. We make decisions based on it. We give corporations a window into our houses. We hand out kids over to the corporate culture without thinking about it. And we pay for most of it.

And yet…

We are so fascinated with what they have to say about the weather that they say it every six minutes on morning. Then, after they’ve told us about the weather, they promise more about it in another six minutes. And we tune in again. Why is the weather so important to people in the morning? Bring a sweater! Put an umbrella in your car or bike! You don’t need to know what the day has in store! They’re probably wrong and you probably have a pretty good idea yourself.

We alter plans and possibilities of human interaction because of what’s on TV. They have molded your day when this happens. I once had a date tell me that she had to go home because TGIF was on ABC. Okay, it probably wasn’t the “quality” programming that was driving her away, but it seemed like a logical excuse to her. It seemed so because this isn’t uncommon. A friend of mine in college said that he called his mom because he was having a rough time adjusting and she said, “Let me call you back after Big Brother.” We establish and nurture relationships with the characters on TV even at the expense of our own friends and family.

The corporations that have us pay for their service make money not only from us but from the channels and advertisers on the other side of things. We are paying to watch ads. The shows are really just unfortunate side effects for the TV companies (unless, of course, they present good places for product placement). And we willingly sit our kids down to watch shows that leave them desiring cheap, useless merchandise that they don’t really want. Kids, especially pre-teen and teenagers, feel worse about themselves after watching commercials.

And I know what you’re thinking, “I’m not affected by commercials.” Then tell me why advertisers pay $200,000,000,000 a year for advertising on TV? You’re telling me it doesn’t work? You just don’t see the big picture like they do. It works. Trust me. Or trust them, at least.

But there are ways that you can help these strange events happening under your own roof. For one, you can get rid of the TV. But many just won’t do that. Luckily, there are other ways.

So. You’re not willing to give up the TV?

Big deal. This doesn’t mean you can’t join the fight against it. What the TV’s function is in most households is really the acknowledgement that you’re there, you’re alive, you’re awake. People wake up and turn the thing on as a symbol for “clocking-in” for your day. It will remain on, even if muted, for the rest of the day as long as you are in your house. For some people, this even means turning on TVs in multiple rooms. This TV being on is comforting for us. We were raised that way. We may even perceive our pets to prefer the presence of the all-knowing box. There are some very solid steps that you can take to tame the beast.

1. Mindful TV Watching
TV doesn’t have to be mindless. Only watch TV when there is something that you want to watch. Read that last sentence again. Make it a mantra. There is no reason to flip through channels seeking you-know-not-what. And don’t turn on the TV just because the kids want to “watch something” or “watch TV.” Ask them what they want to watch. Turn it on if you think that’s a good idea. Don’t offer suggestions, make them discern what it is they want to do with their time; this shouldn’t be just to waste time.

2. Impose Time Limits
I use to really make fun of friends of mine who said, “My mom only lets me watch an hour of TV a day.” But first, let us look at that statement. What, besides TV, does a parent let their child do for more than an hour a day? There just aren’t that many activities that we do that beg for four or five hours of our time every day. And those that do should hopefully give you some sort of product, like a backyard deck or a new guestroom, after a certain number of days.

3. Flexible Limits
You don’t have to stick with a certain amount of TV every day. I know parents who give their kids tickets to watch shows. This often results in siblings coordinating TV watching plans. Or, you can sit down on Sunday and map out a plan for the week—which shows are “important” to watch or a special movie night or some such.

4. Time Frames
Or, maybe TV watching is free in the morning, when little kids wake up too early and parents follow suit, but then goes off after everyone has had breakfast and gotten dressed for the day. That would at least encourage a view of TV watching as having a docile purpose in the day rather than a dictator of it.

5. Keep kids away from certain shows
What shows? Shows that are nothing but commercials masked in plots. Shows like Dora, Power Rangers, and the like. If there’s a huge amount of products associated with it, you should urge them in a different direction. These shows created misplaced desires and they direct those desires by changing characters, adding characters, encouraging collection, etc. And when you kid does collect them all, they will only see how unfulfilling it is when the movie comes out and all the old characters become irrelevant. Instead, shows like Arthur that are more closely associated with books can be a better alternative (but don’t fall for something like a Dora book—those things are like poison put to print when your child wants you to read it again and again).

6. Get Rid of Cable
And I don’t mean “buy Dish!” I mean, get rid of all those damn channels. How many of them do you watch? They spread the good channels out within their three or four strata of service options so that you have to get 150 channels to watch five good ones, but 200 channels to watch nine good ones. And having cable really detracts from the idea of mindful TV watching. Maybe you have a good antenna and can get the local channels. But I don’t recommend getting “basic cable” because a) they’ll talk you into getting a bigger package at less money and b) because you don’t need to send their kids to college—stop lining their pockets.

7. TIVO
I have no experience with TIVO whatsoever. But I have a few problems with it. 1) you’re paying for a service; 2) you probably still have cable; 3) You have to fast-forward through commercials when they should be automatically blacked-out. So, instead:

8. Get an AppleTV
I swear they’re not paying me to say this again. But with one of these expensive systems hooked up to your TV, you can only watch shows that you decide to pay for. You will automatically limit TV to shows that you actually want to watch and you will cut out commercials altogether. Plus, you never, ever have to change your schedule around a show (though you’ll often have to tell your neighbors not to say anything about Survivor until that weekend). I would happily rather pay for a show that doesn’t have commercials than watch a show for free that does. I’ve been saying that for at least 10 years before the AppleTV came out.

9. Get a DVD player
Oh, you have one? What’s it there for? I’ll tell you what it’s there for: mindful watching. Only shows you want, no commercials. This is especially helpful with the increased presence of quality TV shows being put on DVD compulsively and online things like Netflix getting them to you.

10. Get a blanket
To put over the screen. Make it hard to turn it on. Only take that blanket off when you really, really want to watch something. Bonus points if it’s a pretty blanket or a tapestry.

And, as always, there are plenty of alternative to watching TV at all. You will find yourself with more time, more energy, and more room for your families. Such are the things that being a badass dad are all about.

Valentine's Day

First of all, a happy Valentine's Day to those of you out there reading this--especially to those who care to have a happy one.

When I take a poll of my students to see what they think about Valentine's Day in my classes, they either say that they love it, or that "it sucks." And I wonder why the emotions are so strong about it. There is almost no one who feel in the middle about the subject and I don't think that the lines are drawn between those who have dates and those who don't; I think it goes much deeper than that. But for whatever reason, I can't find myself to feel passionate about it either way. I am hoping that readers here will offer their opinions and experiences to help shed light on the myriad of angles of this strange holiday.

I've come to the conclusion in recent days that I don't know exactly what to think about Valentine's Day. I can't find any convincing evidence that the day is based in a pagan holiday, like many of our meaningful holidays are. There's a sort of a conundrum in my mind that I can't find my way to resolve regarding Valentine's Day. It is an internal fight between a holiday that seems to have a great potential for fun, and a holiday that plasters our world with crappy, disposable gifts that are supposed to somehow relate the idea of Love. Let me explain.

The Negative Side

Obviously, this falls into the realm of rampant consumerism that I would rather my children weren't a part of. If I don't want them to buy into the consumer hype, I don't feel like I can participate. So this rules out buying any kind of presents that are specific to Valentines Day. Not that I find them to be great gifts in the first place, but those rows and rows of pink and red that adorn every grocery store are made to be temporary. They fall into the realm of "planned obsolescence," that is, products made to break or otherwise be temporary. Therefore, you essentially throw your money away on stuffed bears holding hearts singing lame songs about love, or boxes of sub-par chocolates, or daisies dyed red.

Not only is the consumerism side of things repulsive because they plan on taking our money for sub-par products that don't serve as proper emissaries of our love, but the whole thing reeks of obligation.

Many of the girls in the classes that I teach (I suppose for this and many other purposes, I treat them as a very unscientific data-collection group) say of their boyfriends, "He'd better get me something." And I don't know about you other husbands and boyfriends out there, but I rarely feel like I'm being loving or giving if I feel like I'm being measured by my performance. I should stress that this is not the majority of the voices that I heard, but the sentiment is not at all uncommon.

This is stressed by the convenience with which someone can buy Valentines Day presents. They are strewn about the fronts of super markets and WalMarts; they are sold on street corners; stores set up outdoor drive-up stands for chocolates and flowers. So let me ask you, if it's the thought that counts, how much thought goes into driving by a store on the way home from work and asking the boy in the drive through flower stand what they have left for under twenty bucks? Or, for that matter, picking up a gaudy red package of chocolate at the WalMart?

If it's an expectation or an obligation, and the products at large are being peddled, I can't be more repulsed by the idea of Valentines Day. But there are other sides to it, as well.

Positive Sides

To look at the positive side, I really go back in my mind towards my childhood, when I wasn't so aware of consumerism and there were no expectations placed on me to perform.

I used to love V-Day in school. We would decorate boxes and bring those stupid packs of cards for everyone in class. There was an excitement and exuberance in getting a card (though obligatory) from the girl that you liked. It was a fun activity and a nice break from the normal activities of school.

My parents used to get us little presents for Valentines Day, too. Not much, of course, but it was always welcome. I remember one time getting a gift certificate for Tower Records. But the best of all was a pocket-knife. It was a big step for a boy, getting a pocket knife. And I'll never know why Valentines Day was chosen for this, or if it was a thoughtful relationship or not. But whatever the gift, my parents never gave us stuffed heart-bears, and the present was always exciting.

The Ambiguity

With my role as husband, I don't know exactly where I currently stand on this strange holiday. I love my wife and look for ways to show it every day. I don't think that a day associated with a remote saint and a greeting card company is really the best opportunity for it. I know that my first couple V-Days with a girlfriend or a wife I labored under the notion that they were going to be really special. I expected to be let into some kind of super exclusive club of have Valentines Day Daters who were going to understand the true meaning of the holiday.

And it's no knock on my wife that this didn't end up being the case. Sure, we had fun. But really, the day didn't end up being all that, well, special. The distinction between something like a birthday or an anniversary is that those are days with a specific history to us. We can talk about our wedding day. Or where we were that time three years ago. Or about our past birthdays. Or whatever. I feel like we're celebrating something.

With Valentines Day, we're surrounded by other people at restaurants. The menu is limited (usually a "special Valentines Day Menu") so they can get people in and out as fast as possible. And really, it feels like it just emphasizes how often we don't go out on a special date. We've had better times going out to eat on the 15th or the weekend before, or whatever. So while I'm thrilled to show my wife my love and I'm happy to take her out on a date whenever I can, I don't see that as the best night to do it.

I've read statistics that state that this is the number one day to get engaged. Well, that's cool, I guess. Then in subsequent V-Day's, they'd have a special event that they are commemorating. But, then again, this falls into the whole expectation thing. I wouldn't want to "pop the question" on a day that she so thoroughly saw it coming. But then again, surprising my wife is one of the severe challenges of my life.

The Conundrum

So where does that leave me? I want to introduce this holiday to my kids before the media does. They are still too young to pronounce it, so I'm jumping on it soon enough. I think that I'll try and find a small, non-Valentines Day, present to give them. I'll tell them about how we love each other every day, but today is often the day that people feel like telling each other that. Why? Well, I don't have a good answer.

As for my wife, honestly, if pay-day were today instead of tomorrow, maybe I'd be out trolling the stores. She has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want anything. I do look for chances to get her things that nurture our relationship. So much of our time and money is spent on nurturing our family--which is a wonderful choice--that I like to take opportunities for us to nurture the just us part of the family. I just don't know if this is the day to do it.

Suggestions?

The only real suggestion that I have is that you and your partner communicate openly and clearly about your expectations for the day. You should be open and honest. And if your wife or girlfriend or boyfriend or whoever really wants something, you should probably take that into consideration--it may be a bigger part of their traditions and belief system that you recognize. And if you plan on not getting them something, maybe you should be clear about the whys of that decision. It might be helpful to pick another day near this one or during another time of year that you can make a special and meaningful day without all the societal baggage.

So, I ask you, how do you celebrate Valentines Day? Is there a way that you've cut out the consumerism and expectations, or do you just put up with it for today? Or, do you ignore the day? Or, do you have a new tradition to introduce or a special way to make the day meaningful for our kids? I'm asking because I don't have a clear answer myself.

Five Quotes to Live By

Getting caught up in the day to day experiences of life can blind one to the things they truly care about. It doesn't do a lot of good to lose focus and lose balance. But these following quotes--chosen because they a) are great and b) aren't cliche--are short meditations on what it is to embrace one's priorities. Read through and maybe you'll find one that speaks to you today:

1. Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise: seek what they sought. ~Basho

In my writing classes, I try and stress the ideas of respect and acceptance of our fellow classmates. This is sometimes harder to achieve than you might think. In my classes students are encouraged to write about their own experiences and what has brought them to their beliefs. This causes a lot of trouble between different ideologies the students might hold. But this quote really puts into focus what I try and stress to the class. "Whatever you've been through, whatever you've done, it's brought you here," I tell the class. "We have at least something in common, some part of the goals we reach involve this place and this time. Don't knock what has brought the person next to you. You didn't need to go through that to get here; he or she did."

Basho is one of the great masters of the haiku, so it is perhaps without surprise that he is so quotable (if you haven't read any of his poems, you need to). It always reminds me that my life doesn't to be like that of the people or religious leaders whom I admire. There may be a lot of things to learn from their lives, but my lessons will be different.

2. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

Twain in perhaps my favorite author. To me, he really shows his stuff in the second part of this quote. While he, being somewhat of a sailor, may have meant it more literally than I take it, it really speaks to the adventurous nature of this quote. Many of us, I'm sure, have read and understand that first sentence in some form or another, it's the second part that really brings it to life, that lets you feel what he means. Taking this pulnge to follow your dreams has never sounded more exciting and appealing than he makes it sound. This quote often inspires me to drop my petty concerns about a project, a trip, an expenditure, or a big decision.

3. Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness. ~Chuang-tzu

How Taoist is this quote? Just decide to be happy and you are. How can it be that easy? Well, if we apply this notion to the ways in which we are always striving to get more, more, more, then it comes to light. This can be seen as a tremendous argument for simplicity. Decide, for yourself, how much is going to be enough. How big of a house, how much stuff, how much money, how much time shopping, how much vacation time, and hit that mark. If you don't have any idea of what kind of ceiling there is, you'll keep wanting more. And if you want more, then by definition, you will always feel unsatisfied with what you have. So stop trying. Look around you, look at what you have, decide that that is enough.

4. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. ~Carlos Castaneda

I know people who spend all their time being miserable. They complain about their days, they whine about service at a restaurant, they loath their coworkers, the weather has ruined their day, etc. They are the type of people who put a negative spin on everything. And I catch myself doing this at times. It's not appealing. Look around and decide that you're going to be happy. Decide that no matter how bad this day gets, it can be turned around. The kids can have a terrible morning, whining and crying, and I can have a terrible day at work. But, in the moment it takes to complain about something, we can change our days and our focus. We can make ourselves and our families happy and remind them that the day is never lost.

5. The mind is its own place, and of itself Can make a hell of heaven, a heaven of hell. ~Satan from Milton's Paradise Lost

There's nothing like using a quote from Satan to put a positive spin on your day. But this quote is very related to the last two. It is our frames of mind that make us happy, that make us miserable, that make us satisfied or unsatisfied. And I imagine that Satan, with his experiences in Heaven and Hell would be as much an authority of their properties as anyone. So let's trust the guy. This quote is a tremendous argument to rid yourself of anxiety and pressures, of assessing your situation and being content with it, of making the most of things. If things don't turn out like you planned, adjust to the new plan.

I write these quotes down today as an affirmation. I want today to be good. I'm stressed, I'm behind in my grading, I have one more week left of my statistics class. But there are reminders everywhere of the power of our own determination to take control of our days. To make the most of things and set a good example for ourselves and for our kids.

Deep breath.

Let's go.

Five Keys to Mindful Behavior (and not losing your temper)

We don't exist in a vacuum. If we did, it would be easy to be the person we want to be. It'd be easy to manage time, set goals, reach out, and expand ourselves. Being more would be accomplishable in the next five minutes. But our time and energy is constantly hijacked, borrowed, robbed, or given away. Not always for the worse, true, but these things add up. Eventually the pressure is a bit much and we lose sight of how we want to see ourselves.

What I'm talking about is patience, I suppose, and temper. It's too often that I find myself frustrated and angry at my circumstances. I want to get X done, but Y,Z, and A are still sitting in the back of my mind, demanding attention. And I have an important meeting and there's homework due and I haven't cleaned the kitchen in weeks. The frustration of all these little factors can tie itself up in knots in my mind. And the pressure builds. And I finally snap at my wife, chastise my kid, or yell at the puppy. And the picture that I've painted of myself at that moment, that ugly representation of all the space being rented in my mind, is forever burned into my children. It momentarily tarnishes who I am to my wife, and if it's not cleaned off, it can rust.

Sure, conflict can be healthy. I don't think it's a good idea to avoid talking about issues of contention. Things need to be aired out between you and your partner, if you expect this partnership to work at all. And yes, you need to raise your voice once in a while when dealing with your kids, be stern, set your foot down. But these things should be done with intention. There is a world of difference between a calculated move, a planned intonation, and a knee-jerk reaction.

Knee-jerk reactions set you off balance. They disturb harmony. They loosen ties.

We can't be perfect all the time. But if we can maintain control of ourselves, we stand a much better chance of setting the example we hope to set for our families. Everything we do is a reflection of who we are. Losing your temper, getting angry, and being petty can really distort that image.

Kids are like sponges, if you haven't noticed. They soak everything up. The other day, my three year-old broke a crayon at a restaurant. With perfect and cold pronunciation, she said, "God damn it," and went about coloring with half of the blue crayon. My wife and I looked at each other. She didn't get it from TV. We got rid of that thing. She got it from us. And of course we couldn't be mad, but we did explain that it wasn't the polite thing to say, that we were sorry we gave her use of those words.

Sometimes our kids can be our compasses for how we act. If we want our kids to exhibit proper behavior, we have to model it. When there is a lot of traffic, I can hear her strapped into the seat behind me say, as if to herself, "C'mon, dude. Move it." I didn't realize that I said that to stopped cars until she pointed it out. If I were apt to lose my temper in the car rather than get annoyed, she would show me what I look like with road rage.

I don't mean to say that we should edit ourselves or hide who we are from our kids. Instead, I think we should mindfully express who we are based on our lofty self-conceptions. A lot of times, those self-conceptions are hard to live up to. For example, I know enough about healthy eating and exercise to be in any shape that I want to be. But through a perverse loss of control related to emotional and financial stress, I don't show this knowledge. Instead, I keep on compounding these stresses with irresponsible behaviors related to eating and spending.

Our temper acts the same way. Too often we become absorbed in ourselves and we lose sight of our goals. When we lose sight of our goals, we lose sight of ourselves. And that creates a vision of us that everyone around us sees.

How many times have you caught yourself losing your temper, getting into arguments, snapping at your family, all because you are overwhelmed? How can you fight this?

1. Make decisions based on the example you want to set
This is easier said than done. But this goes along with the idea of putting your family first. Don't reach for gratification, but instead see the decisions that you make in light of the long-term ramifications and patterns that your children will notice. Whenever possible, step away from negative patterns, especially when it comes to health, consumerism, and habits.

2. Empathize
When your kids are nagging you, before you get frustrated with them and blow your top, you really have to step back and ask yourself a few questions. What is it that they want? Why? Do you remember a time when you nagged your parents for something like that? What would have made you understand why the answer is "no?" This goes for kids being scared of the dark, not wanting to go to sleep, etc.

3. Don't presume the worst
It's easy for arguments between you and your spouse to get started through communication problems. If you feel like you've been insulted, made fun of, or otherwise criticized, don't snap back. Instead, take a step back and try and find out why this was said or if you may have even taken the comment the wrong way. Many, many problems can be avoided by taking the proper time before offering a retort.

4. Remember the importance of fun
Many times when my kids are being too loud, yelling in the house, making repeditive and disrupting noises, or otherwise polluting the air with their unlimited volume, I have the urge to yell. It's a natural response, right? But you have to take heart of the times when your kids are having fun. If it's not an appropriate fun to have in the house, by all means, change things around. But don't be the ogre that stops all the fun with a bad temper and ruins a perfectly good day. Remember what it was like when you were a kid and try and calm the tempest with understanding.

5. Change your mind
If you've had a bad day, or are too stressed or tired to respond rationally to family pressures, talk this out. Explain where you're coming from, why you have a bad headache, why you need a moment to yourself. Take that moment and earnestly try to console yourself. Earnestly try and change your mind about how your day is going to be. If you decide that you can turn things around and have a good day, you can. If you decide that you can't, then you can't. It's a simple as that. Sit there for as long as it takes to decide that you can.

Resist the knee-jerk reaction. Orchestrate your day without the use of hostility. Remember to show your kids who you want to be, and it will be much easier to become that person.

10 Ways to Claim your Day

Note: Please check out Steve Olson's website to see the article that I penned about Education Vs. Schooling. Thanks again, Steve, for letting me guest-post.

Most mornings I teach an 8am class. Morning classes are my favorite; you haven't hit that afternoon lag, the coffee is fresh in your system, and you know that you're knocking one out right out of the gates. But I am constantly and consistently harried by students who droop and moan about how "early" it is.

But it doesn't just happen in the 8am classes. 9am, 10am, and even, I swear, half the time in any 11am classes I teach.

I'm sad for these students. They don't feel like they've made a decision to be there. They don't feel at all responsible for their presence--which goes to show how responsible they feel for the work we'll be doing. And I'm not a boring teacher, which I at least credit whith why they don't fall asleep.

What I want to tell them is this: It's your day. No one snuck up and took it from you. You're spending it right now and it's never going to come back, and you will have never known that it was yours in the first place. Wake up, grow up, take responsibility, and take charge.

With that advice in mind, I'd like to detail some of the things that make me feel ownership over the days I spend. Sure, some days slip past with me feeling dragged along the whole time. This is especially easy to fall into when you have kids and even easier when you have a set routine. At any rate, here are some ways to claim your day, feel free to mix, match, and ignore as you see fit:

1. Wake up Early
I know this isn't a popular one. But if Benjamin Franklin knew the benefits of early to bed, early to rise a couple hundred years ago, why in the world do we still struggle with it? Why can't we learn that these aren't words made in folly? I tell my students that the day starts at 8am. You can't possibly expect to wake up after that and have any control over your circumstances; they day has begun without you and others are already making the decisions that are going to run the rest of the cycle. I love to wake up early--regardless of the time I go to bed--and feel ripped off when 8am rolls around and others are sharing my day with me. Plus, it's possible to get a little extra time for yourself--or for you and your wife.

2. Start the day Writing
Pull out a notebook, a computer, or the backs of bills and start writing. It doesn't matter what you write. If you have no idea what to write, make it bland. Make lists about what your expectations for the day are. Or what you hope to avoid. If something is bothering you from the days before, write about that. Writing doesn't just serve as a form of communication. Writing is a way that people who practice it can metabolize things. Let it all run out onto the page.

3. Exercise
I used to hate running. I mean, really, really hate it. That's why one day I chose to start doing it three times a week. I figured that if I could start my day facing down something that I was afraid of, that I hated, and get through it, the rest of the day would be cake. Plus, it's good for you and all of that. I had a book that coached you through running a 10k in 13 weeks. It was a step-by-step regimine; a mixture of running and walking that brought you from coach potato to runner. I did it, it was wonderful, and I stopped. Why did I stop? Beats me. But I've got to get back into it. I was happier, healthier, and rested better when I was a runner. And I felt like I had conquered something that had always held me back. Plus, the time to myself (rarely more than 45 minutes a morning) was great. Yoga is another thing that you can do in the comfort of your own home, often with even small kids immitating you (or, in my case, sitting on me during the hardest poses).

4. Read
We've talked about this before, but reading can be a great way to spend your day. I take a book with me wherever I go. To the store, to work, to the mall, everywhere. You never know when you will have to wait somewhere and you can sneak five or ten minutes of page time in. If you're stumped about what to read, check out recomendations here and here or at the Badass Bookstore.

5. Turn off your TV
Did you think I wouldn't mention it this time? The TV is the biggest time-suck in the world. You burn less calories than sleeping while watching TV. It's a tunnel from corporate marketing firms right into your living room.

6. Go for a Walk or Hike
We are creatures meant for walking. Yet we never do it. Walking does wonders for your legs and for me it really helps to clear my mind. Taking the time out of the week to drive out to a good hiking spot does wonders for my entire family.

7. Meditate
This is another activity that is hard to do with your kids around, but if you do it before they wake up or after they go to bed, it can really keep your day on track. There are tons of books and blogs written about the subject and the benefits seem indisputible. While there are lots of different ways to do it that may speak better to you than others, there really isn't a bad way to do it. Carving out time for this activity will lower the volume on negative parts of your life and raise it on the good.

8. Ride your Bike to Work
Riding my bike to work and back is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I know that many of us don't live close enough to our jobs to make this goal a reality. But when we bought our house, we had biking to work in the forefront of our minds. Our last home featured a 45 minute, heavily trafficked commute to my job and it was terrible. It added unwanted stress and really detracted from any peace I might find in a day. Biking to work actually decreases stress and by the time I'm in my office (clothes changed and all), I am more relaxed and ready for the day. When I get home with my totally nerdy bike helmet on, I've already shed the stresses of work through my pedals. Paul Dorn keeps a wonderful Bike Commute Tips blog that is really worth checking out.

9. Clean up at night
The hypocracy alarm just went off. Our house is as messy as any I've been to. Toys, laundry, dog chews all over the place. But if you can manage to get your house to a good, managable place, cleaning up at night will help you to wake up to a clean morning. Your day will start off on the right foot and you'll be able to concentrate on all those wonderful kids activities that serve to make the house messy again. Clean. Repeat.

10. Turn off the Internet
Again with that damn hypocracy alarm. Don't worry, I'm an English Professor and I see the irony in all of its levels when I suggest this. I'll go further and say that you shouldn't turn it off until you've had a chance to visit the Badass Dad Store and clicked on all of our sponsers over there on the right--->. But just because I'm a guy who wants to make a buck on the Internet doesn't mean I'm wrong with this advice. But I digress. Really and truly, the Internet can be the biggest time-suck of them all. Especially if you have Stumble installed on your browser (and most of the traffic to this site is from Stumble, so again, I get it). There's nothing inlcusive or promotional of family bonding about the Internet. It should really be kept to a minimum if you want to feel like the day was yours when you go to bed at night.

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There's nothing that's more of a shame than being dragged around by other forces all day. And there is nothing better than being engaged in your present life. So next time you find yourself complaining about how much there is to do today, or how early it is, or when will the kids just go to bed already, ask yourself this: how much of your life are you going to wish away?

Putting Family First

Welcome Carnival of Patience Therapy Readers!

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The subject of putting family first is easier to talk about than to implement. It's too bad, too. At the end of the day, you have to realize that what you do every day, all those little activities, are what makes up your life. Goals and visions of the future are fine, just as long as they don't make you hate your every day. The things you do are the thoughts, feelings, and people that you are nurturing every day.

Maya Angelou writes in her essay,