My family was at the zoo a couple weeks ago. It was a balmy Houston day and I was wearing our newborn in a moby wrap, my wife and I taking turns pulling the wagon with the older two daughters in it. We were watching some kind of smaller monkey as it carried its newborn baby on its stomach. I felt strangely primal watching it, admiring how natural it was to wear the baby instead of push it along in a stroller. We were finishing up a pleasant visit with the orangutans when I woman remarked to my wife, "Now that's an attractive husband!" Hehe, haha, we moved on. But the same thing kept happening. And it always happens when the whole family is out and I wear the baby, which is about half the time; people constantly make remarks about how awesome I am for wearing my youngest daughter. And for whatever reason, it's always moms and it's always presented as if I am somehow desirable because I yeild to carrying my baby.
And the half when my wife wears her? No guys hit on her, no women give her high-five, the baby receives her customary compliments, but my wife doesn't get the ego boost that I do.
It is a bit of an ego boost, too. I was never accostomed to walking about getting compliments or being called attractive.
Juging from my experience, it is expected that a woman should take care of a baby and it is above the call of duty for a husband to help out. That is also reflected in the incongruency of baby changing stations in bathrooms--about half of the time, there will be a baby changing table in the women's room but not in the men's.
The woman grows the baby and births the baby, I get that. And my wife nurses our babies, too. But since when does it become her charge to take care of every aspect of babyhood? I'm bigger and stronger, why wouldn't it make more sense for me to wear the baby than my wife?
What bothers me most is this: These women who gush over an involved father could easily have chosen that quality in a mate. If they find it so attractive that a husband should take care of a baby, why didn't they find that kind of guy attractive in the first place? I'm asking because I want to know.
It comes down to this: parenting (and marriage in general) is not a 50/50 thing; it's a 100/100 thing. Both parents need to give everything they have. It's not a matter of trying to get out of things easily, or pawning responsibilities on others. You give it all that you have. And when you have nothing to give, you trust that your partner's engine is still running. When you can get back on your feet, hop up.
Hidden within those very nice compliments that I get for being a father is the hidden code: our society doesn't expect as much from fathers. Low expectations create low performance. But being a parent isn't about performance, it's about joy. It is a pleasure to be involved with your children, and fathers shouldn't let mothers have all the fun!
Monday, May 25, 2009
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